George Visits Holy Cross Monastery

Christmas Feast

2011-12-25T13:48:00.000-05:00

After Matins, we gathered in the Refractory (dining room) for an incredible feast of roast beef, turkey breast, a carrot dish, potatoes, and another incredible green salad. The room was splendid, complete with tablecloths, and we had a fabulous bread pudding (as well as wine and some leftover eggnog). What a meal!

A great meal requires recognition... Edward (I hope I have his name right, he's the chef) and Laurie (she is also the guesthouse manager, but today her title was "Queen of Desserts") were the masters of the feast and the room broke into applause as they appeared.

So that's Christmas the Monastery Way. What an experience... try it if you can.

I have a quick blog entry, then some packing and driving and a chance to rest before invading the nieces and nephews tomorrow.

Merry Christmas everyone and thanks for a wonderful time!

Matins on Christmas Day

2011-12-25T12:06:00.001-05:00

At 11:00 this morning we had Matins (Morning Prayer). It was a pleasant experience to have worship on Christmas Day.

Back when the kids were little, we used to go to the local LCMS Lutheran church in order to get a Christmas Day service (they were the only church to have one). I always liked doing that because too frequently Christmas Eve is about God, and Christmas Day itself is mostly about things, food, and possibly family. Attending worship on Christmas Day helped us keep the reason for the day front and center.

(Sorry the photo is blurry... I had a nanosecond from when they lit the candles until the first person entered the Chapel. My iPhone wasn't fast enough.)

Lots of prayers this morning

2011-12-25T11:59:00.001-05:00

I came across the Pritchard Stand as I entered the Chapel. Usually only a few candles are lit. Today it was quite crowded there.

Getting ready for a feast!

2011-12-25T10:32:00.001-05:00

I went down to drop off my coffee cup before Matins. It appears they're getting ready for quite a feast!

Christmas Merriment

2011-12-25T09:30:00.000-05:00

Last night I arrived in the Chapel around 10:15 and the place was already full. I don't know the attendance figures, but the place comfortably seats around 50 and I would guess there were probably 80 or 90 people there. There were still a few seats available but not many.

Music started at 10:30. They had a harp, some flutes, some light percussion instruments and maybe a guitar (along with the organ). It was a nice way to fill the space while we waited and meditated. All the guests were there and a fair number of people from the local community... a few had traveled some distance to go to the monastery for Christmas Eve worship.

The service was an enhanced Eucharist with all the bells and whistles you'd expect on Christmas Eve. The hymns were glorious. It appears that many of the people who visit a monastery are singers.

Afterward, we all retired to Pilgrim Hall for the "Christmas Merriment" portion (started around Midnight... I left around 1:00 AM). There we had Eggnog with Rum, Hot Spiced Cider, any kind of hors d'oeuvres you can imagine... cheese stations, Italian-style anti pasta, shrimp, some sort of Spanish almonds that were incredible and I'm sure I probably missed some things (as you can see it was a bit tight in there and hard to move around).

It was interesting talking to some of my fellow travelers... what brings a person to a monastery for Christmas? The answers varied... some were no longer connected to family, some were seekers, others couldn't get into offerings by the institutional church, and a few had been doing this for years.

There were two clear differences from a typical Christmas eve at a local church. First there was a lack of children. There were a couple who showed up to help trim the tree and one or two families at the midnight service, but by and large this was an adult event. The second was the sense of community. The brothers went out of their way to ensure everyone felt welcome... I was watching a few of them reach out to a few of the people who didn't seem connected to the place. Even at Midnight after a whole day's worth of activities they took the effort to ensure people didn't stand alone for too long. I don't remember exactly, but think that's one of Benedict's rules and it was nice to see they lived it.

I can tell you the Eggnog with Rum was incredible... and I ate too many of the Spanish almonds. I'm sorry if the photo above isn't the clearest one I've ever captured. ;)

Merry Christmas Everyone!

2011-12-25T08:01:00.001-05:00

Christmas Eve evening

2011-12-24T20:52:00.000-05:00

So after Supper, I decided to get out the good camera (everything so far has been with my point and shoot or with my iPhone)... mostly so I didn't bring it up here for nothing. Here are a few shots of the greenery.

I wandered into the chapel where they already have set it up for the midnight mass. And I FINALLY heard the organ! One of the sisters was practicing - there's a group of sisters from one of the Episcopal orders down in the city joining us this evening. The instrument is a Rodgers and she really didn't open it up, but it seemed to have a nice tone. She was having trouble figuring out how to work the capture action and I was able to recall enough from my Allen days that we were able to figure it out together. I look forward to hearing it during worship tonight. Judging from all the extra chairs that were set up, and from the fact that most of the guests here seem to be musically inclined, it should be a grand evening.

After taking a few photos, I joined Br. Scott and many of the guests in Pilgrim Hall. Scott had a wonderful and challenging meditation on "Room at the Inn" and as part of that we got to sing a couple of Christmas Carols by the Christmas Tree. Once he got us in a nice and sentimental mood, he then shattered that pointing out how many of the details about the Christmas story are about the huge injustice in the world - both 2000 years ago with Jesus' birth, and in our world today. It led to some really thought-provoking discussion.

Normally we would be going to bed shortly (it's approaching 9:00 PM as I write). But tonight, we have hours to go before we sleep. Music starts in the chapel around 10:30 with Mass at 11:00 (and expect that will last a bit). I saw signs on a table in Pilgrim Hall pointing to the place where the container of "Eggnog with Rum" will sit later for the "Christmas Merriment" portion of the evening. Perhaps there's a reason why Matins will be at 11:00 AM tomorrow.

A Christmas Feast (part 1)

2011-12-24T19:06:00.000-05:00

The monastery has a CIA-trained chef. I knew that by coming here for Christmas I would eat well. Tonight's menu included mango-glazed ham, butternut squash au gratin, baby brussel sprouts, and incredible apple-walnut garden salad, and a nice bread with cranberries and other 'bits-o-fruit in it.

First Vespers of Christmas

2011-12-24T19:03:00.000-05:00

Well, the decorations are out, we're well rested, now it's time to get started on Christmas. At the monastery, Christmas starts with First Vespers. All I can say after going though it is wow... what a service. First Vespers of Christmas starts out with a service of light with the chapel slightly dark and all the candles being lit in silence. We then proceed to sing the psalms as during a normal vesper service - there were lots of people there and the singing seemed more intense. Of, course, being a feast day, we had incense as well. (I'm sorry I don't have photos, but even I have my limits as to when I'm going to fire off a camera.)

After singing the psalms, there was a hymn and then a procession around behind the front of the church - part of the monastic enclosure - and to the Creche display in the back of the chapel. (I'm sure the space behind the front of the church has some sort of official fancy Latin name, like curveium spaceorium - I'll trust Br. Bernard to supply it to us in a comment.) Once we were all at the Creche, there was a brief blessing and then people had a chance to pray or meditate in the chapel or by the Creche. (I came back after people left to take these photographs.)

I helped set up the Creche and learned that the artists were two long-term guests who stayed at the monastery for a while, paying their way by providing art (nowdays they're quite well known in the liturgical art world). It is all from recycled wood found around the area and it is really stunning. If you look closely at the photo above, you'll notice that the wise men are missing. They are traveling by camel... I happen to know that they are way off in the distance in the Chapter House and will mysteriously make their way to the Creche over the next 12 days, somehow arriving just in time for the feast of Epiphany.

A Lazy Afternoon

2011-12-24T18:45:00.001-05:00

After decking the halls, we had a couple of hours until Vespers, so I spend it relaxing in my room, gazing across the river to the Vanderbilt mansion, and reading a bit on my Kindle Fire that John gave me.

That is a popular gift among the guests with several of us having new Fires and we're helping each other learn the technology.

There's a small chance I had a nap as well...

Decking the Halls

2011-12-24T14:58:00.000-05:00

The monastery exploded into a flurry of activity as teams of monks and guests draped the garlands, trimmed the tree in Pilgrim Hall and set up the chapel for Christmas. It appeared that several local folks came up to help as well. I mostly helped in the chapel, but was forbidden to blog about it until tonight so as not to ruin any of the surprises.

The rest of this evening include First Vespers of Christmas and Procession to the Creche at 5:00 PM, Supper at 6:00, a meditation on "Room at the Inn" with Brother Scott in Pilgrim Hall at 7:30, music in the chapel at 10:30, First Christmas Mass at 11:00, and "Christmas Merriment" following that.

It's interesting to note that Matins tomorrow is at 11:00 AM instead of it's typical 7:00 AM.

Prayers for Uncle Skip & Family

2011-12-24T13:16:00.001-05:00

The Diurnum service at Noon always has an extended time for silent prayer after we finish chanting the Psalms. I always try and bring a list of prayer concerns along to the monastery for use during this time.

On my way up I received word that my uncle was being brought home from the hospital and is expected to pass within the next few days. These vigils are always hard to endure - especially during the holidays. So my prayers today are for God to be with Uncle Skip and his family.

I lit a candle for him....

Advent

2011-12-24T10:15:00.001-05:00

As some of you may know, the church really celebrates Advent in December and doesn't celebrate Christmas until late at night on Dec 24. (Unlike the rest of us where it seems the Christmas season starts at Noon on Labor Day and ends at 9:00 on Christmas morning.

Here at the monastery on Christmas Eve, it is still Advent. The only hint that Christmas is nearby is a huge tree in Pilgrim Hall. The chapel as a nice advent wreath (well, without any greens yet). We "deck the halls" after dinner.

Gallery

2011-12-24T09:40:00.001-05:00

They redid the hallway outside the gift shop as a little gallery. Some of Br. Julian's and Br. Roy's artwork hangs there. This little gem is one of Roy's calligraphy efforts.

Accomodations

2011-12-24T08:39:00.000-05:00

This visit, I have "luxury" accommodations... I have a 2nd bed in the room which allows me to spread out all my junk a bit more, and I have a ROCKING CHAIR (which is great for reading - or blogging)!

My room overlooks the Hudson River and this time of year, the landscape is nicely barren which allows you to see the beauty in the branch structure in the the trees. Again, we observe the Great Silence from the end of Compline (around 9:00 PM) until after breakfast the following morning. Now that the place has some familiarity to me, I found it easier to quickly slip back into the rhythm of prayer, silence, contemplation and then being social at appropriate times.

Drive up and Arrival

2011-12-23T19:21:00.003-05:00

The drive up was basically uneventful. Except for some holiday shopping traffic, it went pretty smoothly. I found it odd coming up this late in the day and driving so close to sunset (I've never been up during Standard Time before), but I was treated to some glorious sky colors during the drive.

To get myself in a more Christmas mood, I used the audio cable John gave me for Christmas this morning and was finally able to hear music from my iPhone in the car. Devices these days are incredible... GPS, cell phone and MP3 player all in one package. Today's playlist included Christmas music from The Peanuts, The Glenn Miller Orchestra, Kenny G, Manheim Steamroller, as well as some of the rock favorites. My mood brightened during the drive and I didn't mind the traffic... getting here just as Laurie was ready to close the guest house and with just enough time to dump my stuff in my room (I'm in St. Peter Damian this time) before Vespers.

An unexpected surprise as I was seated in the Chapel for Vespers was to see Jose show up in a black robe! He was one of my compatriots in the "Come and See" program (see below) and at supper I confirmed that he had just joined as a... I'm going to guess it's Postulate (or Novice... I don't remember which comes first).

This time I'm much more at ease with the comings and goings. While waiting for Supper I helped Don and Donna with the puzzle of the day in Pilgrim Hall, and met several fellow guests during the meal. I also got to chat briefly with one of the other guests on my floor who's a priest. She unfortunately has to go back to the real world tomorrow and sounded a bit jealous of those of us who got to stay for Christmas.

Tomorrow looks to be a big day... we get to help the brothers decorate for Christmas in the afternoon and there's some sort of midnight service as well. It should be a fun weekend.

Going up for Christmas The Monastery Way

2011-12-23T12:03:00.000-05:00

One indisputable fact after a divorce is that your holiday traditions will change. This, my first year after the divorce, offers a chance to greatly simplify the holiday rush and turmoil. John is going down to be with his mother and I'm going back up to NY to try Christmas The Monastery Way.

http://www.holycrossmonastery.com/retreat-programs#dec23

We will then meet in PA later to spend some time with my mother, brother & sister and their families.

Why go to a monastery for Christmas? I'm not sure, but it seemed the logical choice. I wanted to be around people, but not someplace where I was going to have the divorce right in my face all the time. It felt right to let John spend this first year with his mother since her birthday is right near Christmas. Given that he would be gone, I certainly didn't want to be bouncing around the house alone all weekend. The monastery seemed to be a perfect way to spend the weekend without getting caught up in all the commercialism.

Before John left this morning, we did exchange a few gifts. I got a Kindle Fire and a reproduction of the Gospels and Acts from the St. John's Bible (a recently completed hand-inscribed Bible) - sort of both ends of reading technology. It's sort of interesting that I first encountered this Bible while up at the monastery a few months ago (wow, time flies).

It was a nice simple start to what I hope will be a nice simple (and relaxing) Christmas.

2011 Final Thoughts

2011-10-07T11:37:00.000-04:00

For me one of the best aspects of the monastery is the bell. It rings as an "alarm clock" five minutes before each worship service and we all drop everything and scramble to get to worship in time. Once you're sitting in the chapel, the next time it rings is a call to worship. Next to the sound of silence, it's the main sound I associate with the monastery... a urgent call to action and a calming call to worship.

And once again, I leave the place wondering where or what God is calling me to do. The answer is both - action and worship. There are times of storm and times of calm... time for rest and time to work. It's funny, but the lesson this morning during Matins was Paul's letter to the Corinthians pointing out that we are all like different parts of the body... all different and all essential.

What is God calling me to do? I may not know long term, but for now, God is calling me to my favorite Adirondack chair...

He's calling me to rest a little, read a little, then rejuvenated by 2 weeks of retreat, re-enter life, enjoy a weekend with my son, and then get back to work - both in my profession and in my church. With time, after the waters calm a bit, he may call me to other places or even here. But for now my role is to trust in God to care for me and use me as He needs.

Friday Morning - The river is calming

2011-10-07T11:23:00.000-04:00

This morning during breakfast, there was a bit of fog on the river which almost seemed to be just drifting along the surface. The angry river of a two weeks ago is calmed, replaced by the placid Hudson I normally encounter up here. There is still a brown tinge to it... the effects of last week's storms aren't completely cleared up, but things are improving. Of course, more storms will come... that's just life.

After Eucharist, the three of us had a last session with Br. Robert (the Superior of the order) in the Middle House Common Room. We worked through an African version of Lectio on the section in Matthew 9 where Jesus heals the blind men and the mute man. After that, we shared what we each felt were our next steps.

For me, it's unknown... the storm of a divorce is still going on. The waters will eventually calm for a while and the only certainty is I will face more storms and calm periods for the rest of my life. Robert shared that St. Ignatius' guidance is that we shouldn't try and discern during the storms of our life. It sounds like good advice. I have time on my side. For now it's time to let the waters calm a bit.

I did initiate a discussion with Br. Ron about joining the associates. This is a program for lay people who want a stronger relationship with the monastery. It parallels the "How to be a Benedictine and Not Give Up Your Day Job" line of thought. He will get an introductory packet to me. That might be a way to strengthen the ties while the waters calm.

After that, I spent some time by my favorite window in the guest library to complete the final few blog entries and then pack away the computer before Diurnum and the Noon meal.

Thursday evening - Open discussion

2011-10-06T21:15:00.000-04:00

(The photo above has nothing to do with the blog entry... I wanted to include a photo of some sorts... this is the fruit table in the little coffee area on a nice sunny morning.)

This evening after Supper we had a small meeting with Br. Robert, Br. Ron, Br. James and Br. Roy. It was a sort of question and answer session for any questions we had about what we learned so far. I won't go into details but we mostly discussed what life is like for a monk... what do they do during the day... where they see opportunities for ministry and the like.

One very interesting aspect of this retreat was getting to know the brothers enough that they are becoming real people with real personalities to me. They have been kind enough to let down their "host" facade that we typically encounter as guests. Some of that may be the fact that I've been hanging around for 2 weeks and have returned for several years, but I'm sure part of it is the Come and See retreat.

I haven't spoken much about my "companions on the journey" (other guests here at the monastery) this time. We have really been quite busy as part of this retreat, which is part of it, but the other part is the various groups of guests are generally keeping to themselves.

We had a group that was the board of a local charity that had a short retreat earlier in the week. Another group is several ladies that are on a silent retreat (they have not spoken for days... I think until Friday night or Saturday morning... I'll be gone by then so I can't ask them about it). Finally there are a couple of individuals who have come and gone. You can always see a brother taking a bit of time to chat with the various guests and I learned tonight that is a large part of their ministry.

Tonight is my last night. Tomorrow is a flurry of packing, worship, eating, doing dishes, and a last session with Br. Robert. I'm going to hang in the area for a couple of hours doing some photography (so I didn't pack the big camera in vain), and then head back down to real life.

A Movie and More Work - Thursday

2011-10-06T17:58:00.000-04:00

This morning after Matins and Eucharist, the three of us got a chance to watch a recent movie involving the monastic life.

Of Gods and Men is a french film about a group of monks that get caught in a the middle of a small war. Are any wars small to the people caught up in them? We watched the first 2 hours while the brothers were in a meeting this morning.

After Diurnum and the Noon meal, we had another afternoon of work... this time with Br. Bernard. Bernard wanted us to help remove a bunch of junk that has accumulated at the monastery and a bunch of able bodied men were just what was needed. So we loaded the monastery pick-up with old mattresses, computers, lumber, glass and the like and headed off to the transfer station where it was all unloaded.

Another portion of the work was to bring plants inside and distribute them around the monastic enclosure. Br. Bernard was nice enough to show us his room and I of course requested a photo. A bit of quick cleaning was involved but he kindly agreed. You can see their "cells" look like private doorm rooms. The large wood panel hides a murphy bed (kids in my youth group can look that up), and you can't see a set of three doors that hide a small sink, and two small closets. You also can't see the fabulous view he has out the windows, but he directly overlooks the Hudson River, being right above the common room (see below).

Later we took a quick trip to Staples to recycle some old computer equipment and we were able to take a scenic view back... so I indulged my hobby a bit from the car window. This is the Esopus Point Lighthouse.

After Supper tonight we have a sort of social hour with the brothers and then have to watch the rest of the movie. Monks lead a busy life!

Working in the Monastic Enclosure - Wed afternoon

2011-10-05T21:29:00.000-04:00

After the Noon meal, we met Br. Scott and Br. Ron and helped out with some moves that are taking place in the monastic enclosure. The monastery is undergoing a bit of a change in leadership this year and as part of that they're changing around the office spaces to make the work that goes on behind the scenes flow a lot smoother. So the three of us (Bob, Jose and I) who are on the Come and See program got to help out by moving several bookcases. (Do you get the impression that monks have a LOT of books?) Monastic life is evidently a lot of work.

We were able to get that completed ahead of schedule, so we had some free time and since it was sunny and 70, I decided to spend some time on my favorite Adirondack chair. Currently, I'm reading "finding sanctuary: Monastic Steps for Everyday Life" (yes it is capitalized that way). This is a nice concise easy read that describes how to pull aspects from the Rule of St. Benedict into a person's everyday life. It's loosely based on the TV series "The Monastery".

As 5:00 rolled around it was time to head back to the chapel for Vespers. I'm starting to get used to my new vantage point. It's weird looking across to the other monks... it sort of promotes a sense of community, and greatly improves the sound of the chanting (except when I screw up), though I can't really hear the lessons anymore because the podium is set up so the speaker is facing mostly away from me.

After supper, we had some one-on-one time with a brother. My session was with Br. Julian. We spoke about all the changes taking place in my life (similar to the conversation with Br. Adam last week and Br. Andrew earlier this week... I feel like I'm repeating myself a lot).

I won't go into details, but since Br. Julian is the photographer of the bunch, we were able to spend a short while chatting about a shared hobby.

Dishes!

2011-10-05T13:42:00.000-04:00

This morning was a clear and gorgeous day. After Matins (7:00 AM worship) the sun was just rising above the hills on the other side of the Hudson.

After breakfast, I had dish duty. So I was introduced to the pantry area (the main kitchens are in the basement). I got to clean the tables, and put away the food, and move dishes around to get ready for the Noon meal.

I then had a few minutes to read some of the rules... the monastery uses the rule of the founder, but recently (25 years ago) switched to become a Benedictine order following the Rule of St. Benedict. I was given copies of both rules to read.

It was explained that these rules are more like guidance on how to be a good monk rather than rules like a card game. The St. Benedict's rule is 1500 years old and even the Huntington rule is from the early 1900s so both have to be interpreted by the order to apply appropriately to today's life.

After the Eucharist service I got to attend one of the Novitiate Classes. Br. James is the assistant novice master and Br. Mark is the current novice. We spent two hours discussing monastic habits and getting an introduction to the overall novice process here at Holy Cross.

We finished that just in time for Diurnum (Noon worship). As part of the Come and See program I get to sit up in the choir area with the monks for worship. I sit next to Br. Raphael who has been very kind and patient in getting me to the right page numbers. There's much more that the monks worry about in worship than just the one slip of paper they give the guests. Br. Raphael knows where to find the actual music they use. It's a much different vantage point...

See... I am actually here.

Meeting with Br. Robert and Tour

2011-10-04T21:53:00.001-04:00

So I'm at the "Come and See" retreat at the monastery. Before we start, I'm not going to share my thinking (especially any thoughts as to monastic discernment) as I'm going though this. My life is too "upside down" right now and besides, all the brothers tell me that discernment can take years... and even lead in directions I would have never considered.

I will continue to blog "my life at the monastery" and you will get to see some areas that I've not shared before.

So this afternoon, we met with Br. Robert who is the Superior of the Order. He shared some of the history of monasticism as well as the history of the Order of the Holy Cross. He then gave us a tour and more background on the monastery.

Most interesting was a tour of some of the more "public accessable" spaces in the monastic enclosure. So we didn't see anyone's rooms, but we did get to see...

The Chapter House, where the monks meet to discuss, confess and pray about their concerns. This was a square room with an octagonal raised portion in the center. (Sorry, I used my small camera and for some reason it was stuck on "square" aspect ratio.)

The common room where the monks can hang out as they wish.

The monastic library... this room was huge so I tried to paste two pictures together... the columns are all straight.

A lounge area in the back of the library on the ground floor.

And finally the incense manufacturing operation...

In the evening we met with Br. Andrew and "told our stories" where we came from, our faith history, etc. I have assigned reading to do, so you'll have to wait for more...

The trip back up the Hudson Valley

2011-10-04T21:36:00.000-04:00

On my way back up the Hudson this morning I made three stops. I took the Palisades Parkway again and stopped at the Rockefeller Lookout. Today there was much less haze than a week ago, so the view south was clearer. I also tried a panorama from this location this time (I doubt it will show up well here, but I'll try).

After getting off the parkway at Bear Mountain in NY, I decided to go up 9W which took me up through the West Point area. Here I like to take a few minutes and detour on 218 which is one of the most scenic roads - as long as you're not the driver. Yes that's the road on the cliff on the left. The picture below that was looking across the river from the road "cutout" on the top picture.

Finally, I arrived in the area just in time to do the Walkway Across the Hudson. See some of the older posts for more info on that (especially the end of 2009 when it opened). The bottom picture is of the marina I was standing on to take the storm photo last week. The river is still muddy, but much calmer now.

Can you guess that I love this trip? I arrived just in time to quickly check in and rush to my first meeting.

Come and See: Monastic Living as a Vocation (Next retreat)

2011-10-04T08:53:00.000-04:00

So later today, I head back up the Hudson for another 4 days at the monastery. The program this time is titled "Come and See: Monastic Living as a Vocation". It's described as "a program for single men aged 20 to 48 who are interested in exploring Benedictine monastic life as a possible vocation path."

I know what you're thinking, because everyone I've told about this has the same reaction...

Oh... Hey Wait! ... You're doing WHAT????? (Maybe your head's tilted to the side and your eyes are penetrating me with a furrowed brow and the look that I just said I was going to steal the Declaration of Independence - you know the movie.)

Allow me to explain. In the years I've been coming up to the monastery for a fall vacation, I've seen this program from time to time. It was always one that I just passed by since it didn't really apply to me.

(like many of them here... http://www.holycrossmonastery.com/retreats/retreat-programs)

This year when I planned my vacation, I had a lot of vacation days to burn. Due to the pending divorce I really haven't been able to break away, and for the same reason have not wanted to spend a lot of money on a trip not knowing what my financial picture will be in a few months. So looking over the options and realizing I'd like to add a 2nd week, this time I noticed the Come and See retreat and while not really thinking about becoming a monk (right now my most important life goal is to provide some much needed stability for my son), I asked Laurie in the guest house office for more details.

She sent me on to Br. Bernard who probably has some title like "Vocations Brother" or something like that. He pronounced me "single enough" for the program and then answered all my many questions with "Come and See", basically you won't know if you don't come and poke around a bit.

So I'm going to see.

What do I expect to see? I expect to gain a little insight into what makes a monk a monk. If you scroll all the way down to my first year's posts in 2009, I remember writing about them as these incredibly centered guys who (to the guests) always seem to be calm and happy. Over the three years, as I've got to know them a little bit, I can begin to see them as different guys who largely get along but all share a love for Christ (as well as living arrangements). I see that Br. Andrew has a delightful sense of humor, Br. Julian sometimes prays using a camera (something I want to explore), Br. Bernard has a passion for sustainability, and the like. All parts of one body with individual strengths (and I'm sure weaknesses). Does this remind you of Paul's teaching?

I hope a number of brothers share their vocation stories. How did they get from where they were to living in a monastery? I know that Br. Mark knows my boss from his previous profession, and that Br. Julian was a former cosmetic chemist. I know that Br. Randy was a former youth worker, so quite a number of their lives were on similar paths as mine.

I expect that I'll get to experience the teeniest bit of life at the monastery. That probably includes being put to work ($50 for 4 days and 3 nights has to have some catch to it), maybe having the worship and chants explained a bit better to me, hopefully getting a tour of the "monastic enclosure" (the sort of off-limits monks-only space. This last item is fascinating to me. My satellite recognisance (via Google Earth) shows that they live in an octagonal building with 7 "bays" sticking out from it that's connected to the north end of the chapel, but there's not much else on the northern end of the monastery grounds.

I also expect to meet a handful of other guys who are curious enough to go on this retreat. One of the them is Jose who was hanging around last week. I know they run this program several times each year and that I don't really see too many new monks hanging around, so I imagine quite a number of guys come up here, kick the tires so to speak and then return to their (hopefully enriched) lives.

Beyond that, I don't know what to expect. I know that for several years before my marriage broke up, my wife and I discussed and prayed about doing work together for disadvantated kids. At that time Chuck, a friend from my Men's Group at church, told me that even if you don't do it the act of considering it will profoundly change you. It has... it has changed how I approach my youth work, how much attention I try to give my nieces and nephews, and even how I try and interact with my son. So I'm hopeful that a few days spent exploring monastic life will do the same.

After my first visit to the monastery, I purchased a book in the gift shop called "How to be a Monastic and Not Leave Your Day Job". That's what I realistically hope to take away from this... lessons in how to be a Benedictine Chromatographer (or Father, or... ). So if you're reading this from my workplace, don't pick apart my office just yet. The process of vocational discernment lasts years and I fully expect to be back on Tuesday. There are still exciting things happening in analytical chemistry and I don't want to miss them.

Monday - A vacation from my vacation

2011-10-03T22:37:00.000-04:00

The monks have off on Monday.

Although I was thinking about going back up to the area and doing some photography, in the end I stayed at home. I watched a bit of history channel, read more of the "Living in the Truth" by Michael Casey, hit the excercise bike, worked up my "Night at the Monastery" photograph through to print, and had a quick neck & shoulder massage. I also talked to a friend from Oregon and had a lovely dinner with my son. Not a bad day.

The monks weren't completely inactive, I noticed that Br. Andrew's sermon from the feast of St. Michael and the Archangels is now up on the monastery website. You can find it here...

http://ohclectionary.blogspot.com/2011/09/saint-michael-and-all-angels.html

The written version doesn't really do it justice, but it captures the essence. Read it with a fired up scottich accent in your head and that will help. For several days after this was preached both guests and brothers were discussing it. How many sermons have you discussed?

I'll tell you more about my next retreat tomorrow...

Sunday!

2011-10-02T23:02:00.000-04:00

Sunday is a feast day at the monastery, and they pull out all the stops (so to speak... I've yet to hear the organ) to celebrate. Breakfast was it's own mini-feast as we had slab bacon, an incredible scrambled egg dish, cheese grits, strawberries, little chocolate pastries and I'm sure more as well.

We even had the sun, and the view across the river during breakfast was stunning.

During the morning I stayed busy packing and getting all my stuff to the car. The monks get their time of rest from Sunday afternoon until Tuesday morning and the guesthouse is closed during these times.

After packing, I went and sat in the dark chapel for a while until Diurum (Noon service). I noticed a virtual image of the CFL bulbs projected out into space from the shiny side of the shades. These were a phenomena we studied in physics, but back then it was dim and hard to see. Here in the monastery chapel the effect was clear and it looked like a bulb floated out in space just a bit below the light fixture. I guess you can take the boy out of the science lab, but you can't take the scientist out of the boy.

Something all the rest of you will appreciate more was the nice shaft of sunlight streaming in the window and lighting all the dust from the incense to form a nice sunbeam.

After Diurum, we had a great feast for Dinner (Noon meal) including roasted chicken, roasted local vegetables, a pear salad, a rice pilaf, and since it is Sunday, we got dessert! What a way to end the week... with a scrumptous apple carmel cake.

After Dinner, I said goodbyes to the ladies from St. Marks, clarified some details with the brothers as to when I'm expected back for Tuesday's program and then hit the road, after one last look back at the monastery building (finally in sunlight).

Although I was going to stay in the area and do some photography, I decided to head home at least for the first night. I figured with the cold snap we had last night, my son might be able to use help starting the heating system. (He did a good job, though he didn't know our thermostat is broken, so the house was at 80 F when I arrived.)

After an evening of laundry, sharing a pizza and finishing The View From a Monastery, I'm mostly ready to go back... I'll let tomorrow's weather decided if I go and do the area photography I wanted to do, or decided to take a lazy day and read.

A Saturday Just Reading, Thinking and Walking

2011-10-01T21:55:00.000-04:00

First, I just finished "Monastery at Night" this evening after several tries. I wanted a warmer look to the monastery building from the earlier nights... the cool night colors and the warm glow from the windows worked out, but the building seemed cold and unfriendly - not how I wanted to portray the place.

So this evening after Supper, I took the tripod, cable release and flash unit out and set up in the driveway (an act of faith in itself, knowing a taxi was about to arrive), I set the camera at f/8 ISO 200 and locked the shutter open. For the next 133 seconds, I ran all over the place firing the flash at full power with a full CTO gel (to warm the light) 8 times at all facades of the building. A bit of post processing and...

I hope you like it...

Anyway, back to the blog...

I started the day reading, out on the cloister porch. It was a bit breezy, so I could only stay out a bit. I'm reading "A View From the Monastery" a sort of overview of the different types of men that populate a monastery in the US (not Holy Cross). It's some nice light reading and suits the porch well. The other book I'm working through is "Living the Truth" (I hope I have the title right) which is a study on Benedictine humility.

After lunch (always a wonderful feast in the refractory)...

I took a walk down to the river. This was my first time down there this visit since the rain we had all week has made the hill a mess. Wtih hiking boots and only taking the small camera, I got down there. The Hudson was raging and at least a foot or two above normal level (from my past visit). The relatively clear water was gone, replaced by brown foamy churn. The little slate bench I used to sit by and read was not a pleasant place so I turned around and headed back up the hill.

Finally in the evening the ladies from St. Mark's in Brooklyn shared their feast with us and again invited us to their hymn sing down in the crypt chapel. This place seems to "tune" voices as all the sound is reinforced and builds up - you can hear each other clearly. I always love this hymn sing when I'm here and was glad my weekend overlapped with these wonderful people again.

The ladies from St. Marks exude love... there's no other way to put it. I never have been in a place where I was so obviously different from everyone else yet felt so loved and completely accepted. There were folks from at least 2 of the three parishes as well as one brother from the community. By the time it ended there were prayers, love and hugs echoing all around the place.

Friday at the Monastery

2011-09-30T20:08:00.000-04:00

After finally waking up and getting ready, we had the normal course of Matins, Breakfast, an hour break and Eucharist. Monastery life is really about establishing a routine and everything seems to fit in among the main activities of praying and eating.

Our final session of the youth workers retreat was late morning where we had some sharing, some song and then said our goodbyes for another year. Some of the youth workers have been doing this retreat for 5 years (it's only my second).

After Diurum (Noon) and Dinner (Noon meal) on Friday, the monastery goes on a period of transition as one group (the youth workers in our case) leave and other groups arrive. Three familiar faces are staying on (besides the brothers), a couple from Brooklyn and a woman from mid-town Manhattan all on individual retreats. My transition was to move, I had to relocated from the main house to the Middle House (between the guest house and the chapel).

I was pleasantly surprised that my new room is over the cloister and looks out onto the garden with the huge oak tree (which was here longer than the monastery). I walked down the hall to check in on another room and excorcise some demons still there, and then settled in.

Shortly after Dinner I had my annual meeting with Br. Adam. He has become a bit of a spiritual advisor to me as we chewed over some decision points in my life. I shared with him some of my current concerns - mostly relating to my pending divorce - and he nicely helped me to find God in this mess for an hour. He keeps a blog of his thinking here... http://adamsmonkthoughts.blogspot.com/

After the meeting and move, I had some free time so I hit the gift shop. This is the religious literature and trinket lover's mecca of sorts. Anything an Anglican could possibly want relating to faith is in there. Brother Mark, one of the newer monks, was manning the shop this afternoon.

I choose a suitable volume and headed out for my favorite Adirondack chair...

After a bit of reading, life started picking up again as other groups arrived. The same church groups from last year are here again... the women's group from St. Mary's in Brooklyn, a retreat group from St. George's in Hemstead, NY, and a retreat group from St. Peters in mid-town. It's going to be a great weekend filled with God's love!

Br. Charles gave the weekend orientation...

Finally, after dinner I went back outside to improve my Monastery at Night photograph. Yesterday's version didn't capture the warmth of the place, so I took my tripod for a longer exposure. This is better but I'm hopeful that I can talk Br. Julian (also a photographer) to help me "paint the monastery with light" tomorrow evening.

Clear Skies! (For a short while...)

2011-09-30T08:37:00.003-04:00

As I get older, I find that... well... "nature" calls me during the night and suddenly I'm awake. This morning when that happened I took a quick look out my window and I saw STARS! No, I didn't bump my head on the sprinkler pipe that hangs right over my desk, but the skies were actually clear for a little while. So I set up a quick 5-minute exposure (involved taking out the tripod, cable release, etc.). The picture above was not what resulted... that's the 3rd attempt.

It seems the river traffic is still active at 4:00 AM and mid-way through the first exposure a barge came strolling (OK, floating) into the scene ith yellow and green lights blazing.

When the rising sun woke me up around 6:00, we still had beautiful clear skies and even had sun in our face on the porch before breakfast. But during breakfast the clouds arrived. (I didn't have my camera, can you believe that?) Now there's just a little sunlight poking though the occasional gaps in the clouds. It sounds like that may be the only bit of sun we get for a few more days.

Later this morning, we'll have the last session for the youth leaders retreat and they'll depart. I just found out they have room over the weekend, so I'll stay on a bit for some individual retreat time. I'm working on scheduling another conversation with Br. Adam either this afternoon or tomorrow (see previous years about this).

The Great Silence

2011-09-29T21:28:00.000-04:00

As I mentioned earlier, one aspect of monastery life is we all observe The Great Silence, from the end of Compline (around 8:50 PM) until 8:30 AM the next day - that includes breakfast. The monastery guest house goes into a bit of a hibernation... people are quiet, we smile or nod at each othe as we pass in the hallways. You can see people curled up on couches in little nooks and crannies reading. This is when I write my last blog entries and then grab a bit of time to read myself.

Like many of their traditions, It's unusual to experience at first. In our normal lives we seldomly get true silence... at my home I used to have a marine aquarium and until I recently got rid of that, there was always the sound of pumps, fans and motors keeping the fish alive. Here at the monastery, crickets are noticable, and to me the sound of my typing on my laptop is loud. Across the river, the train engine and whistle are very noticable.

The silence provides space... space to think and read of course, but also space to commune with God and ponder the day's events.

Make some space... try some silence.

Wednesday Evening

2011-09-29T21:17:00.000-04:00

The storm was intense but brief and by the time we arrived back to the monastery late afternoon, we were soaked but the sun had started to briefly shine. When I looked out my window, the Vanderbilt mansion across the river was lit, and there was a barge moving down the Hudson. You realize that the river brings life to the area in many ways.

After supper, the youth leaders gathered in the chapel to share our final evening. We presented works of art and told our stories. I won't go into details here but everyone has an interesting story to tell... where we came from, where we are right now, and where we hope to go.

Allergies, while better, prevented me from staying for the whole thing (and from going to the Compline service). I'm thinking I'm having trouble with something in the incense. Today was a feast day so they burned incense at Vesper (5:00 PM) services, both yesterday and today. At supper I spoke with Br. Bernard who said that they might be burning an incense mixture that uses a rose oil. I've had problems with my allergies and rose fragrances in the past, so maybe that's part of it. We'll see...

Field Trip

2011-09-29T17:46:00.000-04:00

We wanted to get closer to the river, but with all the rain, it didn't make sense to go down to the river by the monastery because the field below was full of muck, so we decided to make a try for the Walkway Across the Hudson. This is a footbridge built on an old frieght train trestle. However, as we arrived, that was closing due to approaching storms.

You would think that a bunch of youth leaders would heed that warning and head back to the safety of the monastery. You would be wrong. We headed to the FDR bridge which is just a bit south.

Of course once there we decided to venture out on the footpath along that bridge...

We walked out to the first tower, where there was a sound installation of music composed totally with sounds the bridge makes. So we listened to that for a while and captured a few pictures while there...

Of course, since we were all focusing on the installation and facing the tower, we failled to see the storm moving down the Hudson until it was right on top of us. Perhaps the officals at the footbridge had some real knowledge. As the storm came up, I decided that standing on a huge high hunk of steel was not the smartest thing to be doing in a thunderstorm, so we sprinted to the cars... but too late as we all got soaked. Later we went down to the river level to see that it was already a bit high, with more sure to come.

Wednesday Morning

2011-09-29T16:28:00.002-04:00

We woke up to another very rainy morning. I didn't bother to photgraph out my window because it was all a blue grey downpour - nothing was visible. After Matins, breakfast,and Eucharist we had another Lectio/Visio session with Br. Julian. For both this and yesterday's sessions, he was using an item from http://www.seeingtheword.org/ which are meditations based on illuminations from the St. John's Bible. Their website http://www.saintjohnsbible.org/ is also worth checking out. Lots of information on this treasure (the first hand printed Bible that's been completely done since the invention of the printing press 500 years ago).

I made it to the Eucharist service today in the chapel. This service is the only one that includes a sermon. Today is the feast day of St. Michael and the Archangels. Br. Andrew delivered the sermon and remarked that in his almost 50 years since ordination, he has never before preached a sermon on angels (I mean the winged creatures from heaven... not the corners of a triangle - I just realized spell check won't catch that one). He called on Gabriel, Raphael, and the other archangels to come down and help us with their traditional tasks and then he said a line I hope I never forget. He said...

"And if you by chance don't believe in angels, the for Christ's sake become one!" and urged us all to protect the innocent, heal the sick, announce the word of christ, and the like.

Wow!

I'm used to a more "gee, perhaps you should think about this" type of sermon.

A busy Wednesday

2011-09-28T21:37:00.002-04:00

I woke up this morning to a beautiful display of clouds right before sunrise, though I missed sunrise in order to attend Matins (Morning Prayer) at 7:00 AM. Mornings at the monastery are quiet as we observe "The Great Silence" from the end of Compline at 8:30 PM until 8:30 AM. It's always unusual to eat breakfast in silence while in the presence of other people (another of those monastery traditions that seems weird at first, but quickly gets quite comfortable).

Our theme for the youth worker's retreat is water... how it nourishes us, reflections on our baptism, and all those wonderful water thoughts relating to faith (we even have a little "altar top fountain" in the middle of the room). This is good because it rained all day. The bad thing about the rain is that this area doesn't really need any more water right now, having just survived a hurricane and tropical storm in quick succession. That was the cause of a large problem for me because (those who know me will attest) I'm never too far from my blackberry (there's even a YouTube video of me playing guitar in a church rock band talent show thingy wearing that ever present blackberry). I figured out how to get it silent enough so it makes no noise at the monastery... except for AccuWeather's warning tone. Unfortunately they seeemed to feel that I needed to know of a local flood watch several times (luckily not once during worship) and announce each message with a loud long beeeeeeeeeep!

Worship is held several times each day in the monastery chapel. This chapel is one of three "Thin Places" I've experienced first hand (the other two being Holy Island in England, and The Old Church in Middletown, NJ). A thin place (my definition) is a place that is so layered with prayers from many people over time that you can just sense God's presence as you enter it.

I'll get better pictures of the chapel later, but the one above shows the layout for worship. The monks sit in stalls facing each other and the congregation is in a small "nave" just behind them. A bulk of most of the services is the monks chanting the psalms (they go through all the psalms every two weeks) back and forth to each other. A given worship service might cover 3 or 4 whole psalms so it's significantly longer than what we do in our church on a Sunday morning. Guests are welcome to chant quietly as well once we get the hang of it (which is happening quickly for me now that this is my third visit).

Now it's time for my confession... I skipped one service today (and missed most of another). Something happened to me over the weekend on a drive back from PA and my allergies have been killing me. Mid morning I just could not keep from coughing and decided to bag Eucharist for today. Midway during Vespers (at 5:00 PM) i had to leave for a coughing fit. So I went out to the cloister by a great tree where I could at least listen to parts of the remaining service.

I finally left the monastery grounds and drove up to the Port Ewen Pharmacy (on Br. Bernard's recommendation) a quaint little store that's still one of those "owned by pharmist" operations, where he patiently advised me on what I could add to my drug cocktail to keep from coughing too loudly during worship. I hope it kicks in soon.

The youth workers retreat is great... I'm really surprised more don't show up. There really is nothing else for Episcopal Youth Leaders out there. This evening we shared our favorite resources. Fran (with the guitar) lead a song he learned from a camp in AL. I shared The Way Of Pilgrimage books we used for confirmation a year ago, and I got lots of other good ideas, some useful for the youth... others for the youthworker.

Earlier in the day Br. Julian lead us on a Lectio excercise (a Visio?) where we read and prayed through St. Mark's version of the parabell of the sower (Mark 4:1-9) using a resource from the St. John's Bible. I never heard of this before but it's a newly hand copied and hand illuminated bible that was commissioned by St. John's Abbey in MN. I'll have to check it out in the gift shop later this week.

As I said, it was an extremely busy Wednesday....

Settling in and meeting my companions

2011-09-27T21:24:00.000-04:00

It always takes me a day or so to settle down once I get here. We get used to a certain pace in life and when that pace gets interrupted... well it's disconcerting. Coming from industry where things are always "push, push, push" it's a bit of a task to readjust my time schedule to monastery life.

For example, at vespers this evening, while I'm much more familiar with the layout of the service and know my way (a bit) around the black book we use, I found myself wishing the monks would just pick it up a bit. When they're chanting the psalms, there's a long(er) pause at each half-verse. This evening I found myself leaning in at each of these, wanting to get things moving. It seemed unnatural to me (but of course perfectly natural to them). Same once I met my fellow retreaters... Jennifer runs this as a bit of a contemplative retreat (why it's at a monastery, I guess) and the session is filled with lots of waiting for the Holy Spirit to move us (as well as time for us to hear God). This time is incredibly important - and part of what I'm here for - but it still takes some getting used to.

I'm here with 20 or so youth workers from across the nation (I think the most distant one is from Texas) along with Jennifer (author of the My Faith, My Life book we all use) and Fran who is an incredible song leader. I realized this evening that one thing I miss at my parish is singing. We have great musicians in our church, but not too many people sing on a Sunday morning.

The monastery church has a bell tower and in it is a very stately church bell. To me it sounds deeper than most and it has a rich, but varied ring (perhaps due to the skill of the bell ringer). It rings a "drop everything and come pray" ring about 5 minutes before each worship time. It rings a stately call to prayer at the start of worship, and tonight it rang a somber toll for a person (along with his victims and the families of both) who was to be executed tonight in TN

Arrived!

2011-09-27T16:50:00.000-04:00

Holy Cross Monastery is on the upper Hudson river a bit north of Poughkeepsie, NY. I arrived around 3:30 and unloaded and unpacked a bit. My room this time is "St. Thomas" (they don't have room numbers... all the rooms are named for saints), which is on the 3rd floor overlooking the river.

The rooms are sparce - basically a bed, dresser, small desk, and of course a cross. The monastery guest house is "heated but not air conditioned", so with the temperature at 80 with very high humidity, it's a bit close, but the weather is expected to break later today or tomorrow and then it will get quite pleasant.

I had just enough time to do a couple of blog entries, take a brief nap and then head to Vespers at 5:00.

New Jersey is part of God's creation... isn't it?

2011-09-27T16:36:00.000-04:00

The drive up to the monastery first takes me through the "yellow" section of New Jersey. That's the heavily populated section of the map that most people try to avoid... the Parkway, Turnpike and all that. Today my drive was actually pleasant - well as pleasant as a drive up those two roads can be - as there was no traffic to note during the mid-day travel.

At first, I was anxious to get up to the Hudson Valley and get to God's creation. Then I had the thought, "but NJ is part of God's creation... isn't it"? Of course it is, and I started to ponder the beauty I was encountering, all the wonderful skyways and bridges and industrial areas. Yes, these are technically creations of man, but who created us? We do believe that God works through our hands and minds, so...

As I come out of NJ, I always take the extra effort to find the Pallisades Parkway. As you travel that northbound from Fort Lee, NJ you can encounter some great scenic view areas and get your initial look at the Hudson River. This photo was taken from the Rockafeller Outlook which is just north of the George Washington Bridge. As you can tell it was very hazy, but even that shows God's beauty.

Heading back!

2011-09-22T22:38:00.001-04:00

Less than one week from today, I start my third drive up the Hudson valley to return to the monastery for my fall vacation. As I did last year, I'm attending the retreat for adults who work with youth, and if there's an opening, I'll stay for the following weekend. Different from the last two visits, I'll stay for a retreat the following week as well (with a 2 night break as the guest house closes - so the monks can have a day of rest).

I'm especially looking forward to a time of retreat this year. 2011 has been an ordeal so far. I'm dealing with a huge betrayal after 24 years... then realizing that my marriage was irretrievably gone, and now dealing with the uncertainties that entails. I was hopeful that I'd know more about where life was taking me by this trip, but the legal system doesn't seem to allow that. I'm getting a big lesson on letting go of things I can't control.

Youth groups have just started up, but with everything that's going on in life, I really don't feel like I have my "game on" yet, so getting away from things will be a blessing.

The Rest of the Weekend

2010-10-04T06:33:00.006-04:00

Kristen arrived an hour after everyone else left, and we spent a rainy Friday afternoon over at the CIA across the river. While everyone knows about their long waiting list for reservations, few people know about the "Apple Pie Bakery" cafe which you can stand in line (for about 20 min) to eat at. Unfortunately, I forgot my camera, so no pictures.

Friday evening we got acquainted with the weekend guests from St. Mark's in Brooklyn and St. George's in Hempstead.

Saturday, between services and meals, we ran across the river (using the bridge) and toured the grounds of the Vanderbilt Estate and after Dinner (had to get back to the monastery for that), we went back across to the FDR home and library.

On Sunday we had to leave right after Eucharist (I know... we missed the Dinner!), but we had time to briefly stop by the Walkway Over the Hudson state park before I had to get to QO duty at the NJAA.

Interlude

2010-10-01T13:32:00.002-04:00

We have a brief interlude after lunch ends at 1:00 until the weekend guests (one of who is Kristen) start arriving after 2:00. Right now it's very quiet.

Final Youth Workers Session

2010-10-01T13:12:00.005-04:00

We had our final session this morning. This was a nice time of sharing what we each learned from the retreat and how we might use it going forward.

I forgot to point out earlier that we did a lot of singing. Fran(cis) is an accomplished songwriter & song leader and it was nice to blend voices with a group of enthusiastic singers.

After a quick break, we moved to the chapel and cleared out the center part for some final song and sharing.

I was amazed at how quickly this community was built, and how fast our time together went. But judging from the number of email contacts I've seen being exchanged, I suspect we'll be able to remain in contact.

We finished with Dinner and the last of those leaving (pretty much everyone from the retreat except me) said their goodbyes. If it's like last time, the monastery will be quite a different place during the weekend.

The Daily Office

2010-10-01T09:39:00.005-04:00

Here at the monastery, it seems that everything is set by the Daily Office worship times. We wake up in time for Matins at 7:00 AM, followed by breakfast. The Eucharist is celebrated at 9:00 AM and Diurnum at Noon. Dinner, the main meal of the day follows Diurnum. We then have a pretty long break until Vespers at 5:00 PM, followed by supper. Finally Compline gets us ready for bed at 8:30, and the Great Silence follows until 8:30 the following morning.

It may sound odd to willingly attend 5 worship services each day, but each has it's own flavor and they really do set the mood for the various parts of the day. They also change a bit according to the hour. For example, Matins is mostly spoken (I guess voices aren't quite ready that early in the morning), the Eucharist is the warmest service with an extended peace, Diurnum has an extended period of silence after the scripture reading, Vespers is quite beautiful with some of the words of the service, and Compline is quite calming. I especially like the water blessing at the end (after singing a wonderful tribute to St. Mary).

Creation Liturgy and Potpourri

2010-09-30T21:27:00.004-04:00

After Vespers and Supper (our main meal is Dinner which is held at Noon), we met together again to continue our Creation Liturgy. This again was a framework for us to share experiences with each other.

I'm aware that our time together is drawing to a close and again I'm amazed how how quickly friendships form at the monastery. Our last session will be held tomorrow morning and after lunch - sorry I meant Dinner (held at Noon), the youth workers will quickly disperse. I can see how committed these people are to their individual ministries and I can also realize why so many of them seem to return year after year for this retreat.

I really appreciated Fran's singing and guitar skills. It made me realize that I always missed that with our last group of kids... none of them seemed into music (especially anything that might be labeled "Christian"). I'll need to explore with my new group to see if they're open to music.

After the liturgy we had a few moments in the craft room - a place I had not really explored (just not really my thing) - to make potpourri sachets to take home and remember the experience.

A Talk with Brother Adam

2010-09-30T21:07:00.005-04:00

When I made my reservation, I requested time to meet again with Brother Adam for a spiritual conversation (see post below from last year). We met again in Saint Mary's Lounge, a sort of private sitting room at the base of the stairs to the rooms in Middle House. I won't go into detail about our discussion, but it was nice this year to already know what to expect. I realized that he probably talks to hundreds of people in the course of a year and might not remember a conversation from October 2009, so I went back to my journal from last year and refreshed my own memory so I could refresh his accurately. What is a spiritual conversation? Well we discussed some events in my life this past year which sort of continued on the theme from a year ago. I really appreciated his insight into my interpretation of these events (which was wrong... pretty much completely wrong), and we discussed how God interacts with us and the whole concept of God's will as it relates to life, death and how we respond to God through our lives. In the end, he pronounced me "more mature than last year". I don't think anyone has ever told me that...

Gift Shop

2010-09-30T15:18:00.002-04:00

No self respecting monastery would be caught without a gift shop and Holy Cross has an incredible one run by Br. Charles with the help of a bunch of the other brothers. This one is two rooms of every possible book on spirituality and various hangings, prayer beads, trinkets and of course the Holy Cross Incense. I picked up some of the Japanese incense (less smoke so I could use it in class without setting off the fire alarm), and I also picked up a Benedictine prayer book.

Oh, and of course some Devine Chocolate.

A Rainy Day

2010-09-30T15:04:00.003-04:00

I woke up today to the sound of rain - lots of it. So I guess we're staying indoors, which upon thinking isn't necessarily a bad thing (at least my knee will thank me).

The youth leader sessions continue to be both eye opening and challenging. My new friends seem to come from all over the USA (closest is from 5 miles south the most distant that I know of is from Dallas, TX). Quite a few are from huge churches with 100s of kids in their youth groups, and where they are one of several professional staff members. I'll spare you another picture of 20 adults sitting around a circle and instead, we'll look at the rain on the Hudson.

One thing I've noticed from talking to the other participants is that generally, it seems that churches don't really treat professional youth workers very well. All of them seem to have some really harrowing tales to tell... in a few cases they're working hard to deal with some pretty complex issues.

Today's session was personally challenging because we got into how do we reach out to the "unchurched" youth in our midst. These could be kids nearby that are the wrong race or class for "our" church to reach. But I think it could be expanded to include the kids who just don't come from a church background. I was thinking of the guys who use our church steps for a skateboard park. They're so well trained to scatter on the sight of an adult walking into the church, that it's hard to reach out to them. Of course, I've seen too many adults yelling at them over the years that... well they're well trained.

Still, God seems to sending these kids to the church. Should we take the hint??

Creation Walk

2010-09-29T21:44:00.003-04:00

After dinner, we had our last session of the day which was a "Creation Walk". A long rope was set out in a spiral from a central candle. We started with the big bang (played partly by yours truly - I operated the strobe light) and then the "holy spirit" lit a candle. As she progressed around the spiral, we heard readings about the creation timeline, and the spirit lit a candle at each point in the spiral. There were long gaps between some of the early events like the formation of the universe, and a string of candles that were at the end listing major events in human history.

Thinking About Light

2010-09-29T21:29:00.004-04:00

After my walk to the river, my knee was screaming, so I attended this morings session wearing an ice pack. Jenifer pointed out that it was nice that the weather cooperated this day since we were talking about light, and the God's light in our lives. So we were thankful that the day was sunny.

Again, we had a powerful session where people from all walks of life who are united by their work with youth shared some incredible things about themselves.

Afterward, we broke into smaller groups... our's went outside to do a Lexio Divina on John 8:12. (By the way, Jenifer, our leader is the woman in the center.)

Walk to the River

2010-09-29T20:53:00.007-04:00

Matins was at 7:00 followed by breakfast (breakfast is taken in silence). The "Great Silence" which begins after Compline (around 9:00 PM) ends at 9:30 during the communion service. So during the quiet period after breakfast, I decided to try to get down to the river.

I say "try" because I just had knee surgery a few weeks ago, and it's quite a steep hill to walk down, not to mention the cliffs at the bottom. As you get down into the woods, you realize that many people have used this space for worshiping - however they may desire to worship - and... well some aren't that great about cleaning up after themselves. But it wasn't that bad this year and the space "down by the riverside" is amazing and beautiful.

My Fellow Retreaters

2010-09-28T21:35:00.007-04:00

This year, I'm not doing an individual retreat, but rather joined a "Retreat for Adults Who Work with Youth". This retreat is led by Jenifer Gamber, who happens to be the author of the "My Faith, My Life" book that so many churches use for confirmation.

Our opening session had some singing, some reflective readings and everyone shared a little bit about themselves. It was an incredible blessing.

After that session we rushed into Compline (after being told not to rush into the services at the last minute - I'll hope the monks are the forgiving sort). I love Compline... it's a really serene service and does a good job of preparing you for the end of the day.

After Compline, I sat for a bit in the dark chapel (I told you, I love that space) and then picked up my gourd in pilgrim hall. Yes, you got that right. After i finish here, I get to meditate on a gourd.

Have a good night.

It's good to be back

2010-09-28T21:16:00.004-04:00

It's been almost exactly one year since my individual retreat at Holy Cross Monastery, and it was great to get back. The drive from NJ always represents the bits of shedding one does when you undertake a retreat. The parkway narrows every so many miles, and soon you're just driving up the Hudson River valley through quaint towns - and some troubled cities (God has a way of always reminding you of the need of our brothers). But eventually you make your way up Route 9W and really get into God's country.

I arrived at the guest house a little after 4:00 which was just in time to find my room (Saint Martin) and get settled a little bit before Vespers. This year my room is palatial (from a monastery point of view) since Kristen will be coming up to join me on Friday). Vespers was held in the incredible chapel they have here at the monastery (pics to follow, or look below for last year's - it hasn't changed much), and it only took me most of the service to find my way this time.

Following Vespers was dinner in the refractory (I hope I spelled that one correctly - not sure the blogger spell check will have that one). They must still have a chef from the nearby CIA as it was an incredible vegetable lasagna, a chick pea mozzarella and tomato salad and some fresh bread.

It is good to be back.

Another Visit!

2010-09-27T22:53:00.003-04:00

Hey, I get to head back to Holy Cross for a Youth Worker's Retreat with Jenifer Gamber, author of "My Faith, My Life". I've been thinking about doing this for several months, but torn between this and a church trip to Ecuador that's happening at the same time.

Knee surgery a month ago decided it for me... I'm not ready for trudging through the rain forest (if Ecuador has one), but I'm back enough to make my way around the monastery. Supposedly twenty other youth workers from around the country are joining me so it should be a great time.

So after a night's sleep, I just have to get through a half day's work and then I can start the journey.

Back Into the World

2009-10-04T18:55:00.003-04:00

Retreats are a great way to carve out some time to focus on God and our relationship with him. But at the end of a retreat, we must leave the relative solitude portion of our journey and come back into the world and continue the journey God intends for us.

I decided to end my reflective retreat by immersing myself in a multitude of people. A huge opportunity to do this was just south of the monastery where they were dedicating a new pedestrian bridge that was built on an old train bridge. I went and decided to walk across the Hudson and back (about 4 miles).

It was an interesting pilgrimage in it's own way. All sorts of people from all walks of life were on the bridge. I had just decided to ask God "what should I do here?" when someone backed into me and asked me to take their family's picture. So I did and they took mine in turn. For the rest of the walk, every time I saw some doing the "here you take this picture and then I'll take one with you in it" dance, I approached the group and offered to snap a picture with everyone in it (on their own camera). Once they realized I wasn't after money, they really opened up and smiles ensued. I must have taken 30 pictures for others this afternoon.

That brightened the remainder of the trip, and now I'm home, unpacked and ready to face the day tomorrow. Thank you for coming along on the journey!

Final Reflections

2009-10-04T11:09:00.003-04:00

I guess all good things come to an end. I found a beautiful spot in the library to do these last few reflections (partly to be closer to the wireless access point, but they couldn't have placed it in a better spot). As I'm sitting here typing, friends who need to leave early are coming by and saying their goodbyes, and it almost feels like departing from a family reunion.

I'm not going to try and sum up the week. Did I find God? Absolutely (all over the place)! Did I struggle a little? Yes... that too. No, my hair didn't turn white like Charlton Heston's (at least I don't think it did, but then again I don't think I'm grey - my wife disagrees).

What I had was a wonderful journey with a number of different companions - other retreaters, the brothers and even some folks in the nearby towns.

It was incredible...

Now I need to quickly finish packing, enjoy the dinner feast (if breakfast was so good on a Sunday, I can't wait for the main meal), and then begin my journey back. I hope to try the new park on the train trestle, and then enjoy the day as I return to normal life.

But first, I need to log some time in "my" chair - the one in the picture above...

A Celebration!

2009-10-04T10:51:00.004-04:00

It turns out I'm here on the weekend that they celebrate the dedication of the chapel over 80 years ago. Breakfast this morning was a full spread - eggs, bacon, etc in the hot line, smoked salmon and flavored cream cheese and bagels over by the toasters and (my favorite) traditional Irish oatmeal, along with plentiful fresh fruit (I had local concord grapes).

The Eucharist was much more ornate with incense, hymns and a sermon. No, they didn't have an organist, but you couldn't tell by the singing. During the sermon Br. Bede shared with us that the chapel was designed by a famous architect, though modified later to make it simpler. It has some unique design characteristics that really support the chanting (and it does). He shared that he knew he was "home" when he first set foot in the place many years ago.

I can attest that the chapel is a special place indeed. They always keep it open and I frequently found myself just going there to sit. The simplicity of it and the "feel" makes you feel as though you are home. God is definitely present here.

The Crypt

2009-10-04T10:39:00.003-04:00

Beneath the chapel is the Crypt. This space holds several meditation areas. The largest has an altar and I believe the body of the founder is entombed behind it. Nearby is a columbarium where the ashes of other brothers are kept. There's a shrine to Mary that you saw in the sculpture blog, and as usual a visual feast in terms of artwork. One especially nice space is a meditation room that is set up in what appears to be an asian motif.

Companions for the Journey - Part 4

2009-10-04T10:20:00.004-04:00

It amazes me how fast this place can turn people into companions. As I said before, we're all here on some type of journey, and frequently, we come from different places, intersect for a while (sometimes briefly, sometimes for a longer period), and then move on as we follow our path.

As I said earlier, on Friday, we saw a whole new group of people come together. I think only 3 people stayed from Tuesday through the weekend. And on Friday, I couldn't imagine having more different groups share the same space... serenity seekers, a group of women from a church in Brooklyn and another group from a church in DC. There was a wide age range, and as I said before, pretty much every flavor that human beings come in. I also noted on Friday that the groups were pretty much keeping to themselves. I figured that would be the case for the weekend.

I figured wrong.

Starting around the coffee pot, and expanding to the dining hall and then to pilgrim hall, I've noticed connections being made - and I've made many myself. Of course the groups still largely are together (most of the groups have programs they're going though), but throughout yesterday and into today, I've experienced much more interaction.

A major event was Saturday night. The women from the church in Brooklyn sort of took over the place. They provided an incredible feast for everyone - we even had desert! Following that, they invited us to a hymn sing (in the crypt of all places). So we carried chairs down into the crypt below the chapel, and there we had a glorious time praising God and singing our hearts out. I joined them not expecting what to find and fearful that I might be the only one outside their group, but again I was wrong. A number of the independent retreaters, some people from the church in DC and even a serenity seeker or two joined in.

There was NO feeling like an alien here after that...

Walking the Labyrinth

2009-10-04T08:23:00.003-04:00

I went out yesterday to try and walk across a new rail trail that goes across the Hudson river a few miles south of the monastery. Unfortunately yesterday was the grand opening ceremony and they wouldn't let the public on the bridge until too late (I didn't want to have to rush back for Vespers again).

Upon returning, I noticed the labyrinth that the monastery has near the visitor lot. I've always wanted to try that, so this seemed an opportune time. A labyrinth is a path that's folded up on itself in a circle. It's not a maze as there is only one path to the center, though it twists and turns in unexpected directions. There are different ways to approach walking the labyrinth. The one I choose was to carry a "burden" (a small rock) and pray a prayer of supplication at each turn as I walked towards the center. Once there, I left my "burden" for God, and returned praying a prayer of thanksgiving at each turn on the way out.

It was a different experience. The walking and praying allowed you to focus on your problem you were bringing to God, and the prayers of thanksgiving on the way out forced me to give thanks for longer than I usually do.

Part of our J2A/Way of Pilgrimage curriculum this year is aimed at trying different spiritual practices to see which ones "fit"... and this one doesn't fit for me. It was nice, and I can see how people might like it, but it just didn't seem worth the effort of seeking out a labyrinth. But that's part of the neat thing about our journey this year. We have a great chance to try these things together, knowing that some we will like and others we won't.

Patrick, the Pilgrim

2009-10-04T06:03:00.006-04:00

Yesterday at lunch I sat across the table from one younger "monks" who has been around since I arrived. I've noticed that he seems to know his way around pretty well, and I've seen him entering the one "monastic enclosure" area. However, he doesn't wear the robes or sit with the Brothers during the services. I always assumed he was a novice (a monk in training).

So I asked him what his story was. It turns out that he calls himself a pilgrim. He became homeless when he was 17 and then he wandered for three years. Starting about four years ago he went to a (different) monastery and offered to trade hard work for room and meals. He now travels from monastery to monastery, staying a few months in each place that will have him. He's pretty sure he will eventually join a monastic order, I guess he's still seeking which one it will be. Currently, he seems to be working on keeping up the considerable grounds of the monastery (mowing laws, building garden walls, etc.).

I asked him if he enjoys it, and he said he struggled for a while with the idea of not owning anything, so four years ago, he would occasionally leave a monastery to work for a bit to buy "useless stuff" and now he realizes "that if you have a roof, food and love, what else do you need?"

While I'm not interested in becoming a monk, I guess I've never really thought about the process somebody goes through to become one. Yes, I know the monastery has an official "monk training program" which takes years. But how does God move a person in that direction? I would imagine that Patrick's path is one of many.

Reflection... Water

2009-10-03T18:37:00.005-04:00

This morning I went back down to the river. For some reason, I don't see a lot of the guests down here - especially in the morning. This has been my favorite spot to sit. I'm on a makeshift slate bench that's on a rock outcrop about 4 feet above a slate pebble beach. It's quiet and peaceful, and the gentle sound of the waves lapping against the beach allow your mind to wonder. It's especially interesting to see the waves suddenly increase in intensity about 2 minutes after a boat passes - even if it was far from shore.

It's interesting how I'm drawn to the water. One of the monks might tell me it has something to relate to my baptism, but I'm not sure I'd agree. We all seem to be drawn to water - Christian or not. (I remember seeing all the nice houses along the Tigris river in Iraq from my brother's pictures when he served over there.)

Here at the monastery we do immerse ourselves in water (figuratively if not literally - I haven't seen anyone swimming yet). We're dipping our fingers in a bowl of water upon arriving for the services, getting spritzed with the aspergillum (I told you there was a name for the waterspritzerthingy) at the end of Compline, a little water is mixed with wine for the Eucharist and of course we consume it at meals all the while spending time along this gorgeous waterway.

The sounds of this spot by the river encourage meditation as well. While I'm sitting here I can hear the sounds of the chimes at the Vanderbilt Estate across the river. Some birds are keeping me company and some squirrels are playing nearby. There's a very distant hum from traffic across the river and now suddenly the sound of raindrops hitting the leaves (and now my journal as well).

Maybe the gentle rain is telling me to shut the book and listen for a bit...

Religious Icons

2009-10-03T09:48:00.002-04:00

No, I'm not talking about the little square thingy on your computer desktop that opens your Bible software.... Religious icons, generally from the orthodox tradition, are stylized paintings of key people from the Bible, Saints, etc. The monastery has many beautiful icons - many with gold leaf (which is hard to photograph). You saw the icons on the main cross in the chapel below. Here are some others.

Sculptures

2009-10-03T08:40:00.005-04:00

Religious artwork and sculptures are also all around. I'll skip the many statues of saints for now, and focus on some of the more interesting ones. The cross is the huge one I mentioned earlier. It completely dominates the left wall of the chapel - probably 10 or 12 feet high. There is an interesting low sculpture set into the forest floor down near the river. A marble sculpture of the hand of God in the pilgrim hall, and a large statue of Mary just as you go down to the crypt. While not pictured, there are many little pieces of sculpture, bas relief, etc. all around the place.

Crosses

2009-10-03T08:09:00.003-04:00

With a name like Holy Cross Monastery, you might expect that there would be a few crosses around the place (and you'd be right). All shapes and sizes of crosses abound ranging from the huge (10 or 12 ft high) cross on the side wall of the sanctuary, to the simple wood one found in my room. Here are a few pictures of some...

Companions for the Journey - Part 3

2009-10-02T21:48:00.003-04:00

This quiet monastery that I've experienced so far is suddenly a bustling place. The weekend groups have arrived. We have a bunch of women from a church in Brooklyn, a church vestry group, a group of friends from New York who call themselves "Serenity Seekers" - who seem to exist just to visit this place twice a year - and a few other individual retreaters.

The diversity of guests is incredible. Joining me on this journey for the weekend are men & women... black, white, hispanic & asian... several different religions - some even "creative spiritual but not religious" types... one is just a screenwriter here quiet to complete a work that starts filming in December... Heck, I'm sure there are probably both straight and gay here as well although I didn't ask or tell.

As we were all waiting (some more patiently than others) for dinner, I came across the sister who's here on the silent retreat. She seemed overwhelmed by having to whisper that she's on retreat and can't talk to everyone who tried to start a conversation with her. I smiled at her and (I'm not sure I should share this) we whispered a conversation where I found out she's with a convent in Manhattan and up here for a one week silent retreat. I told her I hoped I wasn't spoiling it for her and she whispered that she's starting to get ready to come out of it - which I took to mean she's bursting at the seams to talk to someone after a week. So there you have it, you can add "corrupter of nuns" to my list of accomplishments for the week. We agreed to share some contact information (written of course) at breakfast tomorrow.

After dinner we had a "guest orientation meeting" in pilgrim hall (the main lounge). It's funny, when there were just a few of us, we didn't need orienting - perhaps the weekend crowd is more boisterous than the ones that come during the week. For example, it's 10:00 - well into "the great silence" - and the serenity seekers are not being very serene next door. But then again, I'm typing very loudly too... it's going to be an interesting weekend.

A Tale of Two Gift Shoppes

2009-10-02T21:26:00.006-04:00

I waited around this afternoon before heading out to tour the Hudson Valley because I wanted to check out "The Monk's Cell", the gift shop the monks run to help raise money for the monastery. This place is a wonderful two rooms filled with cool religious books, prayer beads, wall hangings, incense, and the like. I could have gone nuts... there was so much good stuff there - I wondered if they had a payment plan.

In the end I purchased "The Episcopal Handbook" (which promises to explain all those weird little things we do differently from all the others), a book by Eugene Peterson, and a book of Psalms for a Pilgrim People which is a modern setting of the psalms that might be useful in J2A. I also picked up some trial packs of incense to try at a couple of our meetings.

After that I again went outside the grounds to see what kind of trouble I could get into (this time Stewart's Ice Cream... sorry couldn't resist). I wondered over to Hyde Park and went to walk around the grounds of the FDR historic site. There I found a gift shop too... but this one was mostly all kitsch - tshirts, fluffy stuffed dogs of the same breed as FDR's, and all sorts of cheap whatnot. Yes there were a couple of decent history books and a wide variety of FDR biographies, but most of it seemed junk.

To be fair, I did see some "Holy Cross Monastery" ice scrapers, and coffee mugs, but I wonder if the monks would do better if they offered cuddly monk dolls and tshirts that read "Ascetics do it... rarely" or something like that.

I will be heading back tomorrow (Kristen, don't pay the bills yet)...

A Conversation with Brother Adam

2009-10-02T20:57:00.005-04:00

As I was planning to come here, Dean (my priest) suggested that I schedule some time for a spiritual conversation with one of the Brothers. I did, and was contacted by Brother Adam. We had our discussion this morning at 10:00.

Honestly, I was a bit nervous beforehand... what do you say to someone you don't know, probably won't see again (at least not that frequently, unless I come back), and is inviting you to have a deep personal conversation with him? I found myself lapsing back into my school days... are you graded? What if you fail? If you say the wrong thing, do the monks just ask you to pack up and go?

No, I won't tell you any details about what we talked about.

But at 10:00, Brother Adam found me in Pilgrim Hall (a sort of main lounge area), and we went to St. Mary's lounge which is a small comfy room that sort of looks like your great aunt's parlour. I had shared this blog with him before hand, and forgot to delete my comment about some of the monks being overweight... yes he had read it (oops... now I was looking around for the security monk with the cardboard box for my things).

But in actuality, I was amazed at how quickly I felt at ease with him. We had a wonderful hour together talking about all aspects of religion. I shared part of my history and he shared some of his. We spoke about the intersection of faith and career, balancing ones desires with those of loved ones, discerning God's will in all aspects of our life... it was an incredible conversation. At the end he pronounced me mostly normal, though with a touch of Lutheran in me (ah... passed, whew).

Afterwards I went down to the river to reflect on the conversation. Again I won't give you details, but I realized the value in these sorts of conversations. It wasn't like a conversation with your priest who you see regularly... I didn't really come with an "agenda" or try to make a good impression, and he didn't seem to have an agenda either. But precisely because of that, I was able to be more open and honest, and hear his fresh perspective.

By the way, you can read Br. Adam's thoughts here... http://adamsmonkthoughts.blogspot.com/

Companions for the Journey - Part 2

2009-10-01T22:20:00.006-04:00

After a couple of days here and getting used to the operation of the place, I'm beginning to get to know the other people here - both brothers and guests (my companions on this journey). The most interesting thing to me is that I'm definitely a minority here, since almost everyone is ordained. My typical dining companions are a couple of priests on individual retreats like me and some of the "paint your faith" retreaters - as well as a brother or two. Conversations happen over the meals - except for breakfast which is in silence and the first part of lunch when Br. Ron is reading from the 1776 book. They also happen around the coffee area, and as we encounter each other around the place.

The common thing we all have is that we're here on some sort of journey... each of us seeking some way to connect with God. I'm sure each of us is bringing some sort of baggage that we must deal with (like my need to get away this afternoon), but we also each bring something to the table to share as well. One of the paint your faith participants is an ordained chaplain in a retirement center. It was interesting talking to her considering my recent experiences putting Mom in a nursing home and Kristen's contrasting experience with her mother and nursing homes. I'm bringing an outsider perspective. So far I'm the only one who seems to be employed outside the religious establishment. But I'm also bringing my experience in working with youth, as every church struggles with how to do this in the best way for them.

It was fun after Supper to visit the mini-exhibition put on by the paint your faith people. This seems to be part art class and part group sharing experience. It sounded interesting, but not exactly my cup of tea. Maybe they need a Photograph Your Faith course...

Also at Supper tonight, we were joined by new companions - most notably a small youth group from Toronto. It was interesting to see them at Compline with the same bewildered look on their faces I had just a day or two ago (perhaps I still do). I loved the very pure reaction the kids gave to being spritzed with the water hammer thingy at the end of Compline (I'm sure it also has a special religious name like Waterhammerthingium). I'm still trying to figure that one out, but I guess it's some sort of symbolic blessing that's to remind us of our baptism.

Getting Away for a While

2009-10-01T21:26:00.008-04:00

We have a long break after Dinner at Noon and Vespers at 5:00, and I reserved that time to go outside the grounds and explore a bit of the interesting things the Hudson Valley has to offer... you know blow off some steam and see what kind of trouble you can get into. I welcomed this opportunity today as the morning was cold, grey and drizzly (matching my mood).

I basically toured route 9 and 9w (both sides of the Hudson around here) and took in the quaint towns and establishments along the road. As I drove south, I moved away from the clouds which brightened the day somewhat (it's amazing how much effect the weather can have on your outlook). After realizing that there was nothing in an antique store that I would want and that would fit in the Miata, I stopped at the Vanderbilt Mansion across the river from the monastery. This is a large house (small compared to Biltmore - the "other" Vanderbilt house) and not as large in comparison to some of the larger homes in our area of NJ (yes, a wealthy area to be sure). The grounds were beautiful, but I had wasted too much time on the road and had to get back, so I only had time for a quick walk around the grounds. One thing it did provide was a wonderful view of the monastery from across the river - a different perspective so to speak - symbolic of the different perspective I needed today.

After the quick tour I had to RACE back to the monastery to get there in time for Vespers. I mean you don't want the monks getting pissed at you, do you? I got there just as the bell finished ringing in remembrance of Mary (the start of many of the services here). Fortunately, I wasn't stopped by a cop... I can imagine trying to explain to an officer that I was speeding to rush back to a monastery for a vesper service so I could slow down. Ironic.

Lighting a Candle for Dan, his family and his friends

2009-10-01T09:42:00.006-04:00

The monastery has a Pricket Stand, which holds a bunch of votive candles near the reserve sacrament. I've seen these in Catholic churches, but this is the first time I saw one in a protestant church. I've always hear the phrase "I'm lighting a candle for..." and never completely understood it. Here, I learned that by lighting the candle, we remind ourselves of our baptism and that we share the light of Christ. We are reminded that prayer is not self centered, it is God centered (the Pricket Stand is usually near a shrine or the reserved sacrament). And when we conclude our prayer and leave the lit candle behind, we are reminded that we never really leave the presence of God or the company of his saints.

After lighting the candle, I waited for 30 minutes in God's sanctuary for the Eucharist to begin. I was reflecting on the protestant concept of the "sainthood of all believers". I'll go out on a limb here assuming that Dan was a baptised Christian, and acknowledge that we now have a Saint Dan. How would we carve the statue of Saint Dan? Would he be wearing a robe - the "in thing" for saintly attire - or in his wrestling gear? I remember when Billy (our youngest son) died and I tried to picture Saint Billy. I decided that if he were carved in a robe, he'd have to have a look of itchy disgust on his face at the cumbersome garment. Saint Billy would best be carved in shorts with a skinned knee feeding the family dog... one... kernel... of ... dog... food... at... a... time. (We had a very patient dog.)

This morning my prayers centered around Dan's family, his friends, and the kids in my youth group - all of whom must be hurting. Yes, there will be an official mourning period of a few days... but do understand that the mourning goes on for a long time afterward. Especially for the family. They will be the loneliest starting a week after everyone goes home and continuing for a few months afterwards. I still don't know how I survived that time.

A Sad Morning

2009-10-01T09:29:00.004-04:00

This morning I woke up to a beautiful red streaked sky over the Hudson... and a text message from Kristen saying that Dan had died. I didn't know Dan beyond the fact that he was a 15 year old kid who had a bad reaction to some medication and lapsed into a coma. I was following the FaceBook buzz from the youth in J2A as I was ready to leave for the monastery and promised one of my kids that I would pray for him while here.

Kristen was reading my blog last evening before she with out for coffee with a friend who's son had also died a year or so ago. There she learned that a friend of her friend's son had died and it turned out to be Dan. So this morning had a sort of grey pallor to it to match the sky. I spent a half an hour in the chapel praying for Dan's family and friends and for the kids in my group who must be hurting right now.

Silence

2009-09-30T21:33:00.005-04:00

After Compline each night we begin the Great Silence, a roughly 12 hour block (from the end of Compline until 8:30 the next morning) of time when we don't talk to anyone. This includes breakfast (which I told you about below), but also the entire overnight period.

This sounds boring, but silence is interesting in it's own way. I don't think I ever get true silence anymore. We live on a busy street, and within the house, there is always the sound of something running (my marine aquarium has pumps running 24/7). Right now it's so quiet here that the sound of my laptop fan is noticeable and the sound of my fingers typing seems loud.

But silence gives us space... space to reflect, space to notice things, space to think.

One of my fondest memories of my Dad were coming down early in the morning to find him just sitting in silence at the kitchen table drinking a cup of coffee. Dad always made Holy coffee - you made up a pot of instant Maxwell House and then boiled the Hell out of it for the rest of the morning (it just kept getting thicker and thicker). Dad was always the silent type - except when he was grunting at you - and I remember wondering what he was thinking about (I still do).

Here at the monastery, walking in silence opens up my other senses. There is so much artwork around you can't move without coming across something with religious significance. There are candles, icons, stained glass windows, sculptures, flower arrangements, potpourri bowls, you name it and they have it. When I'm walking around talking with others, however, it all recedes into the background. The times for silence open me up to noticing these treasures.

It's interesting how things I would find boring in the real world, suddenly become interesting once you force yourself to slow down and observe.

Before Compline this evening, I went into the Chapel to sit in silence for 20 minutes. I just wanted to notice the place. Some light of one form of another was softly illuminating the gold leaf on the icon covered cross up front. The air was still scented with faint wisps from the incense that they burned last night. It was so quiet I could hear buzzing in my ears (I've heard that's the blood coursing through the capillaries near your ear drum) and the faint ticking of a clock a few rooms away. The signs that "this place is holy" literally hit all your senses, and I realized that even as I was noticing all this stuff, I was engaged in a form of prayer as people began to quietly enter for the service.

Time for Reflection

2009-09-30T20:58:00.004-04:00

The whole purpose of a retreat - either a group retreat or an individual one - is to carve out time to be with God. Since this is an individual retreat for me, it's time to be alone with God. Being at the monastery facilitates this. The rhythm of worship times and meal times creates several natural zones for you to find a place to be alone. Even the group retreaters can be seen doing this from time to time.

Last night after Supper and before Compline, I was able to steal away on the porch looking over the Hudson. The moon was around 10 days old so it was bright and Jupiter shone brightly right next to it. Across the river, I heard a horn and saw the lights in the passenger cars on one of the Amtrak trains going south. It almost seemed like a model railroad. I reflected on the strange mix of astronomy and trains - both key features of my history. Last week in our J2A readings we spent a day on reflecting on where we have been in order to know where we are going.

This morning after Matins and Breakfast, I walked down the hill to the river. The Hudson this far north seems serene. I understand there's some boat traffic, but none was moving during the morning. Little (1-inch) waves lapped softly onto the crushed slate beach. I let my thoughts wander and recorded them in my paper journal. One thought I had was that people need to be more thoughtful and remove their "spiritual litter". The slate bench that I sat on had the remenants of 3 candles and an oily mess that must have come from an incense burn. A little to my left was a cracked votive candle hanging from a tree. But even this reminds me that I'm one of countless pilgrims over the years who have journeyed to this place. In some sense they too are my companions and I took a moment to pray for them.

This afternoon, I spent time reflecting in a more "normal" way. I got in the car and drove. I was planning to go tour a nearby site, but got distracted and caught in traffic. But since I had nowhere to go and nowhere to be by a certain time, I spent the time reflecting on some of the bigger questions we all face from time to time.

Finally, before Compline tonight, I spent 20 minutes in the chapel in the (mostly) dark just trying to sense the place. As part of that I lit my first candle ever (itself a form of prayer) for Dan - a teen on life support that some of my kids in the youth group are concerned for - and his friends.

Worshiping Throughout the Day

2009-09-30T11:40:00.002-04:00

There's a gorgeous chapel that connects the guest house with the monastic enclosure. There we will worship five times each day. Matins is at 7:00, Eucharist is celebrated at 9:00, Diurnum at Noon, Vespers at 5:00 and Compline at 8:30.

As I said earlier, the first service of Vespers was interesting... I wasn't prepared for the monastic style of worship. Simple spoken or chanted services. I don't know the music and after finally attending some services where I did pick up the book and bulletin, it turns out it's OK with them if I don't know it. The guests are encouraged to watch and listen.

In the past, this would bother me. I never understood the people who seem to come to church to just watch. I mean why bother? But as I had to watch the past few services, I now realize that there is indeed value in communing with God by observing, listening, and thinking.

Still it is a different experience. Being an organist, I see they have what appears to be a pipe organ high up on the one wall... but we haven't heard it yet. I thought for sure they would during the Eucharist, but they didn't. Maybe Sunday??

At the Eucharist, Brother Larry shared that this was the feast of St. Jerome, one of the scholars of the ancient church. It turns out he was the one who translated the Bible into Latin - the Latin Vulgate. I appreciated this, as I've always been interested in how our Bible came to be... why do different versions say different things, etc. It's fascinating to read about how people were killed over their viewpoint on this - especially the decision years ago to publish the Bible in the language (English/German I think were first) of the common people. Today we take that for granted. So St. Jerome was one of the original Bible translators. It also turns out that he was quite controversial... perhaps his path had no shortcuts either.

Sharing Meals Together

2009-09-30T11:16:00.003-04:00

Dinner last evening was fabulous. We had whole wheat pasta with fresh mozzarella cheese, mushrooms, and olives. This was accompanied by a spinach salad, a rice salad and a quinoa salad. The monastery chef has trained at the CIA across the river and it shows - despite the fact that he was off duty yesterday - it turns out this fabulous food was all LEFTOVERS!

At dinner, I sat with three other retreaters and three brothers. (I noticed that most of the brothers are somewhat overweight... perhaps monastery food won't be as sparse as I expected.) Brother Larry was on my left (with a British accent) and brother Ron on my right (with the oxygen). Brother ____ (I really need to get better with names) sat across from me. It turns out that he is the technology guru and filled me in on how to access the wireless (just turn it on).

The dining room (again there is an official religious name for it) is a modern octagonal space that joins the 1902 guest house. It commands a wonderful view of the Hudson river. Several large round tables seating 8 people each seem just the right size to allow for conversations. I learned about my fellow companions and what they were here for, and got to know a bit about the brothers seated at my table. It's funny how our J2A lesson (other blog) spoke this morning about how there are no shortcuts to our faith journey and from talking to others, their path has been as varied as mine has been.

Breakfast this morning was done in silence. That was interesting. Most of us choose a place at a table facing the view. Of course we smiled at each other, but it was weird not being able to communicate. Again I felt a bit like an alien... I had to find my own way around the breakfast spread. I saw a couple of people had oatmeal, but it was nowhere to be found - depsite there being many fabulous toppings for it. So I settled for cold cereal, toast and yogurt.

Lunch is the feast meal for the day. That's when i'm told the chef really shows his stuff.

Companions On My Journey

2009-09-30T09:56:00.003-04:00

First, understand that I'm terrible with names... I have to meet you several times before I remember your name. Each time I meet someone I try to focus on their name for about 2 minutes and then as I loose myself in conversation, I find myself racking my brain trying to remember their name. So forgive me if I describe people rather than use names.

As I wondered around the guest house yesterday afternoon, other companions on the journey began to arrive. I learned there were two groups up here in additon to a few of us making individual retreats. One group is gathering to worship and then work on local Habitat for Humanity projects, and another is learning how to "Paint Your Faith". Most of the other individual retreaters (is that the right word?) are ordained clergy of one form or another.

The paint your faith group seems to be mostly women - ranging in age from I would guess mid 30s to seniors, and the Habitat group seems to be retired men and some young 20somethings - these younger guys may be entry-level monks (again, I'm sure there's an official word for them) as I saw them going into the "monastic enclosure" - the sort of forbidden zone to us guests. I'm told that as the weekend approaches, some of these groups may switch out.

One guest is a woman who seemed very quiet. While we were waiting for dinner, I was out on the back porch. I tried to say hello, but she just smiled and turned away - did I tell you I feel like an unusual alien here? I later learned she was a sister from a neighboring convent who is a guest here for a silence experience - she only seems to be allowed to speak during worship.

Finally, there are the brothers - the monks. I've had brief conversations with several of them and they come across as the most centered people I've ever met. I'm dying to sneak in and bug the monastic enclosure... is that where they let their hair down and have their spats "yo Harry... stop moving my prayer book", or do they really live like this all the time.

I said I feel like an alien... but it's a different sort of alien. You feel a warmth from all your companions and I've had good conversations with several (I won't go into details here). I'm looking forward to spending a week getting to know them.

Now What? A Stranger in a Strange Land...

2009-09-29T21:59:00.004-04:00

After finding the guest house, I found out that I'm assigned to St. Stephen. It's not quite how it sounds as the rooms are named rather than numbered. I have a little cell on the second floor. Basically it's just a bed a small desk and a couple of lamps and side tables. This is going to be interesting.

Honestly, my first thoughs were along the lines of "alright George... you're here... now what the &*%# are you going to do."

So I just grabbed the camera and went around taking pictures. The space is beautiful - both inside and out. It is very austere, but we knew that going in. After calling Kristen and updating some select pics on Facebook, I signed off facebook and shut off the phone. Walking around some more, I did find a wireless router so I'm able to connect and keep the blogs up.

By then it was time for vespers... all I'll say for now (time for bed) is that it was the first time in ages that I felt completely out of place in worship. The services are simple, the Brothers chant the service in a sort of Gregorian Chant sound. The words are familiar, but they use incense which I've never experienced up close before. To top it off, I didn't notice the cart with the programs and books, so I was flying blind. AND to my mortification, my sneakers squeek LOUDLY on the floor of the chapel... so I wasn't about to go trapsing off to look for the bulletin. All I could do is sit and watch... but surprisingly, I still felt God's presence.

I'll fill you in more tomorrow...

The Drive Up the Hudson

2009-09-29T21:41:00.003-04:00

My drive up from central jersey was glorious... especially after I left the "typical New Jersey" area (GSP and NJ Turnpike). I got lost many times (despite having a GPS unit - or perhaps because of it) trying to find the entrance to the Palisades Parkway. The GPS is usually a good guide, especially when you trust it and just tell it to "go here". But today I wanted to take the scenic drive - rather than the fastest way - and I had difficulty telling it to go against the world's view. Perhaps this was an omen.

The trip was not without it's vices... I was tired and hungry after numerous circles around the medowlands complex (the new road construction doesn't match the GPS unit's internal maps) and I fell for McDonald's beconing golden arches.

From there, the trip improved. I put the top down on the Miata and could feel myself relaxing as I traveled up the Palisades Parkway. I was definitely in tourist mode, but was able to make a connection with one of the maintenance workers who told me of a nice vantage point off the beaten path. The view from the extra effort (both at connecting with others and from the 100 yd walk) was well worth it.

I noticed that as I got closer to the monastery, I was getting nervous. I suddenly was craving ice cream (I always eat when nervous), telling myself they would never have ice cream at a monastery and this was my last chance for several days. So I had my ice cream, calmed my nerves and turned in the driveway.

After searching a bit, I found the guesthouse office and checked in...

Why Am I Here?

2009-09-29T21:26:00.002-04:00

I don't know exactly why I came to Holy Cross. I first heard about it from the Men's group at our church - I think they had a retreat up there years ago and I guess it stuck in my head after hearing about it. For a variety of reasons, I wasn't able to take vacation before now, and since I had some time to burn, I decided to give it a try.

I'm not sure what my goal is for my time here... I trust that God will guide me. I intend to disconnect from the electronic world a bit (except for this blog and the other one I write, and of course communication home). I won't do any of the mindless sitting in front of hunk of silicone just "surfing" or "watching" as I'm sometimes prone to do.

I intend to take lots of photos... I find when I look through a viewfinder, I look closer at the world around me and it helps me connect. And I am keeping a (much more intensive) journal book... this blog is just the highlights from that. Much of what I write here will focus on life on an individual retreat. I intend to use it with my youth group.

So mostly, while I'm here I just want to relax and spend time focusing on God and His plan for me. What am I to do with my life and how does God want me to do it?

It sounds like a simple question...