2011 Final Thoughts

For me one of the best aspects of the monastery is the bell.  It rings as an "alarm clock" five minutes before each worship service and we all drop everything and scramble to get to worship in time.  Once you're sitting in the chapel, the next time it rings is a call to worship.  Next to the sound of silence, it's the main sound I associate with the monastery... a urgent call to action and a calming call to worship.

And once again, I leave the place wondering where or what God is calling me to do.  The answer is both - action and worship.  There are times of storm and times of calm... time for rest and time to work.  It's funny, but the lesson this morning during Matins was Paul's letter to the Corinthians pointing out that we are all like different parts of the body... all different and all essential. 

What is God calling me to do?  I may not know long term, but for now, God is calling me to my favorite Adirondack chair...

He's calling me to rest a little, read a little, then rejuvenated by 2 weeks of retreat, re-enter life, enjoy a weekend with my son, and then get back to work - both in my profession and in my church.  With time, after the waters calm a bit, he may call me to other places or even here.  But for now my role is to trust in God to care for me and use me as He needs.

Friday Morning - The river is calming

This morning during breakfast, there was a bit of fog on the river which almost seemed to be just drifting along the surface.  The angry river of a two weeks ago is calmed, replaced by the placid Hudson I normally encounter up here.  There is still a brown tinge to it... the effects of last week's storms aren't completely cleared up, but things are improving.  Of course, more storms will come... that's just life.

After Eucharist, the three of us had a last session with Br. Robert (the Superior of the order) in the Middle House Common Room.  We worked through an African version of Lectio on the section in Matthew 9 where Jesus heals the blind men and the mute man.  After that, we shared what we each felt were our next steps. 

For me, it's unknown... the storm of a divorce is still going on.  The waters will eventually calm for a while and the only certainty is I will face more storms and calm periods for the rest of my life.  Robert shared that St. Ignatius' guidance is that we shouldn't try and discern during the storms of our life.  It sounds like good advice.  I have time on my side.  For now it's time to let the waters calm a bit. 

I did initiate a discussion with Br. Ron about joining the associates.  This is a program for lay people who want a stronger relationship with the monastery.  It parallels the "How to be a Benedictine and Not Give Up Your Day Job" line of thought. He will get an introductory packet to me.  That might be a way to strengthen the ties while the waters calm.

After that, I spent some time by my favorite window in the guest library to complete the final few blog entries and then pack away the computer before Diurnum and the Noon meal.

Thursday evening - Open discussion

(The photo above has nothing to do with the blog entry... I wanted to include a photo of some sorts... this is the fruit table in the little coffee area on a nice sunny morning.)

This evening after Supper we had a small meeting with Br. Robert, Br. Ron, Br. James and Br. Roy.  It was a sort of question and answer session for any questions we had about what we learned so far.  I won't go into details but we mostly discussed what life is like for a monk... what do they do during the day... where they see opportunities for ministry and the like.

One very interesting aspect of this retreat was getting to know the brothers enough that they are becoming real people with real personalities to me.  They have been kind enough to let down their "host" facade that we typically encounter as guests.  Some of that may be the fact that I've been hanging around for 2 weeks and have returned for several years, but I'm sure part of it is the Come and See retreat. 

I haven't spoken much about my "companions on the journey" (other guests here at the monastery) this time.  We have really been quite busy as part of this retreat, which is part of it, but the other part is the various groups of guests are generally keeping to themselves. 

We had a group that was the board of a local charity that had a short retreat earlier in the week.  Another group is several ladies that are on a silent retreat (they have not spoken for days... I think until Friday night or Saturday morning... I'll be gone by then so I can't ask them about it).  Finally there are a couple of individuals who have come and gone.  You can always see a brother taking a bit of time to chat with the various guests and I learned tonight that is a large part of their ministry.

Tonight is my last night.  Tomorrow is a flurry of packing, worship, eating, doing dishes, and a last session with Br. Robert.  I'm going to hang in the area for a couple of hours doing some photography (so I didn't pack the big camera in vain), and then head back down to real life.

A Movie and More Work - Thursday

This morning after Matins and Eucharist, the three of us got a chance to watch a recent movie involving the monastic life.

Of Gods and Men is a french film about a group of monks that get caught in a the middle of a small war. Are any wars small to the people caught up in them?  We watched the first 2 hours while the brothers were in a meeting this morning. 

After Diurnum and the Noon meal, we had another afternoon of work... this time with Br. Bernard.  Bernard wanted us to help remove a bunch of junk that has accumulated at the monastery and a bunch of able bodied men were just what was needed.  So we loaded the monastery pick-up with old mattresses, computers, lumber, glass and the like and headed off to the transfer station where it was all unloaded. 

Another portion of the work was to bring plants inside and distribute them around the monastic enclosure.  Br. Bernard was nice enough to show us his room and I of course requested a photo.  A bit of quick cleaning was involved but he kindly agreed.  You can see their "cells" look like private doorm rooms.  The large wood panel hides a murphy bed (kids in my youth group can look that up), and you can't see a set of three doors that hide a small sink, and two small closets.  You also can't see the fabulous view he has out the windows, but he directly overlooks the Hudson River, being right above the common room (see below).

Later we took a quick trip to Staples to recycle some old computer equipment and we were able to take a scenic view back... so I indulged my hobby a bit from the car window.  This is the Esopus Point Lighthouse.

After Supper tonight we have a sort of social hour with the brothers and then have to watch the rest of the movie.  Monks lead a busy life!

Working in the Monastic Enclosure - Wed afternoon

After the Noon meal, we met Br. Scott and Br. Ron and helped out with some moves that are taking place in the monastic enclosure.  The monastery is undergoing a bit of a change in leadership this year and as part of that they're changing around the office spaces to make the work that goes on behind the scenes flow a lot smoother.  So the three of us (Bob, Jose and I) who are on the Come and See program got to help out by moving several bookcases.  (Do you get the impression that monks have a LOT of books?)  Monastic life is evidently a lot of work.

We were able to get that completed ahead of schedule, so we had some free time and since it was sunny and 70, I decided to spend some time on my favorite Adirondack chair.  Currently, I'm reading "finding sanctuary: Monastic Steps for Everyday Life" (yes it is capitalized that way).  This is a nice concise easy read that describes how to pull aspects from the Rule of St. Benedict into a person's everyday life.  It's loosely based on the TV series "The Monastery".

As 5:00 rolled around it was time to head back to the chapel for Vespers.  I'm starting to get used to my new vantage point.  It's weird looking across to the other monks... it sort of promotes a sense of community, and greatly improves the sound of the chanting (except when I screw up), though I can't really hear the lessons anymore because the podium is set up so the speaker is facing mostly away from me.

After supper, we had some one-on-one time with a brother.  My session was with Br. Julian.  We spoke about all the changes taking place in my life (similar to the conversation with Br. Adam last week and Br. Andrew earlier this week... I feel like I'm repeating myself a lot).

I won't go into details, but since Br. Julian is the photographer of the bunch, we were able to spend a short while chatting about a shared hobby.

Dishes!

This morning was a clear and gorgeous day.  After Matins (7:00 AM worship) the sun was just rising above the hills on the other side of the Hudson.

After breakfast, I had dish duty.  So I was introduced to the pantry area (the main kitchens are in the basement).  I got to clean the tables, and put away the food, and move dishes around to get ready for the Noon meal.

I then had a few minutes to read some of the rules... the monastery uses the rule of the founder, but recently (25 years ago) switched to become a Benedictine order following the Rule of St. Benedict.  I was given copies of both rules to read.

It was explained that these rules are more like guidance on how to be a good monk rather than rules like a card game.  The St. Benedict's rule is 1500 years old and even the Huntington rule is from the early 1900s so both have to be interpreted by the order to apply appropriately to today's life.

After the Eucharist service I got to attend one of the Novitiate Classes.  Br. James is the assistant novice master and Br. Mark is the current novice.  We spent two hours discussing monastic habits and getting an introduction to the overall novice process here at Holy Cross.

We finished that just in time for Diurnum (Noon worship).  As part of the Come and See program I get to sit up in the choir area with the monks for worship.  I sit next to Br. Raphael who has been very kind and patient in getting me to the right page numbers.  There's much more that the monks worry about in worship than just the one slip of paper they give the guests.  Br. Raphael knows where to find the actual music they use.  It's a much different vantage point...

See... I am actually here.

Meeting with Br. Robert and Tour

So I'm at the "Come and See" retreat at the monastery.  Before we start, I'm not going to share my thinking (especially any thoughts as to monastic discernment) as I'm going though this.  My life is too "upside down" right now and besides, all the brothers tell me that discernment can take years... and even lead in directions I would have never considered.

I will continue to blog "my life at the monastery" and you will get to see some areas that I've not shared before. 

So this afternoon, we met with Br. Robert who is the Superior of the Order.  He shared some of the history of monasticism as well as the history of the Order of the Holy Cross.  He then gave us a tour and more background on the monastery. 

Most interesting was a tour of some of the more "public accessable" spaces in the monastic enclosure.  So we didn't see anyone's rooms, but we did get to see...

The Chapter House, where the monks meet to discuss, confess and pray about their concerns.  This was a square room with an octagonal raised portion in the center.  (Sorry, I used my small camera and for some reason it was stuck on "square" aspect ratio.)

The common room where the monks can hang out as they wish.

The monastic library... this room was huge so I tried to paste two pictures together... the columns are all straight.

A lounge area in the back of the library on the ground floor.

And finally the incense manufacturing operation...

In the evening we met with Br. Andrew and "told our stories" where we came from, our faith history, etc.  I have assigned reading to do, so you'll have to wait for more...

The trip back up the Hudson Valley

On my way back up the Hudson this morning I made three stops.  I took the Palisades Parkway again and stopped at the Rockefeller Lookout.  Today there was much less haze than a week ago, so the view south was clearer.  I also tried a panorama from this location this time (I doubt it will show up well here, but I'll try).

After getting off the parkway at Bear Mountain in NY, I decided to go up 9W which took me up through the West Point area.  Here I like to take a few minutes and detour on 218 which is one of the most scenic roads - as long as you're not the driver.  Yes that's the road on the cliff on the left.  The picture below that was looking across the river from the road "cutout" on the top picture.

Finally, I arrived in the area just in time to do the Walkway Across the Hudson.  See some of the older posts for more info on that (especially the end of 2009 when it opened).  The bottom picture is of the marina I was standing on to take the storm photo last week.  The river is still muddy, but much calmer now.

Can you guess that I love this trip?  I arrived just in time to quickly check in and rush to my first meeting.

Come and See: Monastic Living as a Vocation (Next retreat)

So later today, I head back up the Hudson for another 4 days at the monastery.  The program this time is titled "Come and See: Monastic Living as a Vocation".  It's described as "a program for single men aged 20 to 48 who are interested in exploring Benedictine monastic life as a possible vocation path."

I know what you're thinking, because everyone I've told about this has the same reaction...

Oh... Hey Wait! ...  You're doing WHAT?????  (Maybe your head's tilted to the side and your eyes are penetrating me with a furrowed brow and the look that I just said I was going to steal the Declaration of Independence - you know the movie.)

Allow me to explain.  In the years I've been coming up to the monastery for a fall vacation, I've seen this program from time to time.  It was always one that I just passed by since it didn't really apply to me.

(like many of them here... http://www.holycrossmonastery.com/retreats/retreat-programs)

This year when I planned my vacation, I had a lot of vacation days to burn.  Due to the pending divorce I really haven't been able to break away, and for the same reason have not wanted to spend a lot of money on a trip not knowing what my financial picture will be in a few months.  So looking over the options and realizing I'd like to add a 2nd week, this time I noticed the Come and See retreat and while not really thinking about becoming a monk (right now my most important life goal is to provide some much needed stability for my son), I asked Laurie in the guest house office for more details.

She sent me on to Br. Bernard who probably has some title like "Vocations Brother" or something like that.  He pronounced me "single enough" for the program and then answered all my many questions with "Come and See", basically you won't know if you don't come and poke around a bit.

So I'm going to see. 

What do I expect to see?  I expect to gain a little insight into what makes a monk a monk.  If you scroll all the way down to my first year's posts in 2009, I remember writing about them as these incredibly centered guys who (to the guests) always seem to be calm and happy.  Over the three years, as I've got to know them a little bit, I can begin to see them as different guys who largely get along but all share a love for Christ (as well as living arrangements).  I see that Br. Andrew has a delightful sense of humor, Br. Julian sometimes prays using a camera (something I want to explore), Br. Bernard has a passion for sustainability, and the like.  All parts of one body with individual strengths (and I'm sure weaknesses).  Does this remind you of Paul's teaching?

I hope a number of brothers share their vocation stories.  How did they get from where they were to living in a monastery?  I know that Br. Mark knows my boss from his previous profession, and that Br. Julian was a former cosmetic chemist.  I know that Br. Randy was a former youth worker, so quite a number of their lives were on similar paths as mine.

I expect that I'll get to experience the teeniest bit of life at the monastery.  That probably includes being put to work ($50 for 4 days and 3 nights has to have some catch to it), maybe having the worship and chants explained a bit better to me, hopefully getting a tour of the "monastic enclosure" (the sort of off-limits monks-only space.  This last item is fascinating to me.  My satellite recognisance (via Google Earth) shows that they live in an octagonal building with 7 "bays" sticking out from it that's connected to the north end of the chapel, but there's not much else on the northern end of the monastery grounds.

I also expect to meet a handful of other guys who are curious enough to go on this retreat.  One of the them is Jose who was hanging around last week.  I know they run this program several times each year and that I don't really see too many new monks hanging around, so I imagine quite a number of guys come up here, kick the tires so to speak and then return to their (hopefully enriched) lives.

Beyond that, I don't know what to expect.  I know that for several years before my marriage broke up, my wife and I discussed and prayed about doing work together for disadvantated kids.  At that time Chuck, a friend from my Men's Group at church, told me that even if you don't do it the act of considering it will profoundly change you.  It has... it has changed how I approach my youth work, how much attention I try to give my nieces and nephews, and even how I try and interact with my son.  So I'm hopeful that a few days spent exploring monastic life will do the same.

After my first visit to the monastery, I purchased a book in the gift shop called "How to be a Monastic and Not Leave Your Day Job".  That's what I realistically hope to take away from this... lessons in how to be a Benedictine Chromatographer (or Father, or... ).  So if you're reading this from my workplace, don't pick apart my office just yet.  The process of vocational discernment lasts years and I fully expect to be back on Tuesday.  There are still exciting things happening in analytical chemistry and I don't want to miss them.

Monday - A vacation from my vacation

The monks have off on Monday. 

Although I was thinking about going back up to the area and doing some photography, in the end I stayed at home.  I watched a bit of history channel, read more of the "Living in the Truth" by Michael Casey, hit the excercise bike, worked up my "Night at the Monastery" photograph through to print, and had a quick neck & shoulder massage.  I also talked to a friend from Oregon and had a lovely dinner with my son.  Not a bad day.

The monks weren't completely inactive, I noticed that Br. Andrew's sermon from the feast of St. Michael and the Archangels is now up on the monastery website.  You can find it here...

http://ohclectionary.blogspot.com/2011/09/saint-michael-and-all-angels.html

The written version doesn't really do it justice, but it captures the essence.  Read it with a fired up scottich accent in your head and that will help.  For several days after this was preached both guests and brothers were discussing it.  How many sermons have you discussed?

I'll tell you more about my next retreat tomorrow...

Sunday!

Sunday is a feast day at the monastery, and they pull out all the stops (so to speak... I've yet to hear the organ) to celebrate.  Breakfast was it's own mini-feast as we had slab bacon, an incredible scrambled egg dish, cheese grits, strawberries, little chocolate pastries and I'm sure more as well.

We even had the sun, and the view across the river during breakfast was stunning.

During the morning I stayed busy packing and getting all my stuff to the car.  The monks get their time of rest from Sunday afternoon until Tuesday morning and the guesthouse is closed during these times. 

After packing, I went and sat in the dark chapel for a while until Diurum (Noon service).  I noticed a virtual image of the CFL bulbs projected out into space from the shiny side of the shades.  These were a phenomena we studied in physics, but back then it was dim and hard to see.  Here in the monastery chapel the effect was clear and it looked like a bulb floated out in space just a bit below the light fixture.  I guess you can take the boy out of the science lab, but you can't take the scientist out of the boy.

Something all the rest of you will appreciate more was the nice shaft of sunlight streaming in the window and lighting all the dust from the incense to form a nice sunbeam.

After Diurum, we had a great feast for Dinner (Noon meal) including roasted chicken, roasted local vegetables, a pear salad, a rice pilaf, and since it is Sunday, we got dessert!  What a way to end the week... with a scrumptous apple carmel cake.

After Dinner, I said goodbyes to the ladies from St. Marks, clarified some details with the brothers as to when I'm expected back for Tuesday's program and then hit the road, after one last look back at the monastery building (finally in sunlight).

Although I was going to stay in the area and do some photography, I decided to head home at least for the first night.  I figured with the cold snap we had last night, my son might be able to use help starting the heating system.  (He did a good job, though he didn't know our thermostat is broken, so the house was at 80 F  when I arrived.)

After an evening of laundry, sharing a pizza and finishing The View From a Monastery, I'm mostly ready to go back... I'll let tomorrow's weather decided if I go and do the area photography I wanted to do, or decided to take a lazy day and read.



A Saturday Just Reading, Thinking and Walking

First, I just finished "Monastery at Night" this evening after several tries.  I wanted a warmer look to the monastery building from the earlier nights... the cool night colors and the warm glow from the windows worked out, but the building seemed cold and unfriendly - not how I wanted to portray the place.

So this evening after Supper, I took the tripod, cable release and flash unit out and set up in the driveway (an act of faith in itself, knowing a taxi was about to arrive), I set the camera at f/8 ISO 200 and locked the shutter open.  For the next 133 seconds, I ran all over the place firing the flash at full power with a full CTO gel (to warm the light) 8 times at all facades of the building.  A bit of post processing and...

I hope you like it...

Anyway, back to the blog...

I started the day reading, out on the cloister porch.  It was a bit breezy, so I could only stay out a bit.  I'm reading "A View From the Monastery" a sort of overview of the different types of men that populate a monastery in the US (not Holy Cross).  It's some nice light reading and suits the porch well.  The other book I'm working through is "Living the Truth" (I hope I have the title right) which is a study on Benedictine humility.

After lunch (always a wonderful feast in the refractory)...

I took a walk down to the river.  This was my first time down there this visit since the rain we had all week has made the hill a mess.  Wtih hiking boots and only taking the small camera, I got down there.  The Hudson was raging and at least a foot or two above normal level (from my past visit).  The relatively clear water was gone, replaced by brown foamy churn.  The little slate bench I used to sit by and read was not a pleasant place so I turned around and headed back up the hill.

Finally in the evening the ladies from St. Mark's in Brooklyn shared their feast with us and again invited us to their hymn sing down in the crypt chapel.  This place seems to "tune" voices as all the sound is reinforced and builds up - you can hear each other clearly.  I always love this hymn sing when I'm here and was glad my weekend overlapped with these wonderful people again.

The ladies from St. Marks exude love... there's no other way to put it.  I never have been in a place where I was so obviously different from everyone else yet felt so loved and completely accepted.  There were folks from at least 2 of the three parishes as well as one brother from the community.  By the time it ended there were prayers, love and hugs echoing all around the place.